We’ve all been there: You’re out drinking with your girlfriends, feeling like you’re in an episode of Sex and The City, when suddenly you get kicked off the Napa Wine Train because you are black. Ugh! After this super embarrassing faux pas, you might worry that you’re only one guffaw away from another etiquette breach. Here are five tips that are guaranteed to keep you quiet and your seat on the train secure.
1. Come alone.
If you don’t have some white friends to bring along, just come all by yourself! In this post-racial world of micro- (and macro-) aggressions, nothing kills that darn spirit of African American levity like being locked up on a train with a group of unfamiliar white folks. You can guarantee that any laughter will be nervous laughter—those great, quiet titters that won’t get you ejected. Try laughing along with white people’s jokes—even if they’re racist. That’s the kind of “proper” laughter they’re looking for when deciding whether or not you’re okay to be there. You got this!
2. Hum classical music.
Humming is perfect because it keeps your mouth shut, and classical music is even more perfect because it shows that you’re the right kind of black person—the kind no one will want to throw off a train in the middle of nowhere. Also, Beethoven or Rachmaninoff make great background music for the white people’s experiences. White people love when black people make music!
3. Imagine Donald Trump as president.
The idea of Trump running for president is a great thing to imagine while on the wine train. You know, the same Donald Trump who said “laziness is a trait in blacks” and who called Mexican immigrants “drug-smuggling rapists.” It’ll be easy to suppress any semblance of laughter by imagining him as commander-in-chief. Thank you, Donald, for a smooth transit experience!
4. Don’t swallow the wine.
Alcohol can help people feel relaxed and uninhibited—which is the last thing you want! Keep that booze out of your bloodstream by swirling it around in your mouth for hours. While others use this wine tasting to get trashed, you need to keep it very together so you don’t get kicked off this train. Plus, white people will feel at ease once you are inevitably compelled to take on the role of “black woman who takes care of drunken white woman”. Just like The Help! Best of all, it’ll keep your mouth busy tasting those complex tannins. None of that scary laughing for you!
5. If all else fails, use the cork.
The more wineries you hit, the more corks there’ll be. And by picking them up and putting them in your mouth, you’ll not only be performing your God-given role of cleaning up after white people, but also keeping any possibly misinterpreted noise from escaping you at all. Think of corks as little self-silencing bullets to be used in case of emergency. You will complete this wine tour!
When all is said and done, you want to be able to brag about your fun, wine-soaked weekend getaway, not become the latest racist outrage on Twitter. Follow these five simple tips, and you’ll convince everyone to let you stay on the train by quelling your expression of joy! You go, girl!