How to Embrace Your Natural Hair Texture, If Not New Ideas

You’re stuck in the past and proud of it. You hate the gays, the libs, the Italians, and shopkeepers who don’t attend church, but that doesn’t mean you have to be closed-minded about your hair’s natural texture! Whether you’ve got curls, kinks, or pin-straight locks, we’ve got ideas to help you love what God gave you (even if that’s the only explanation you’ll accept).


Wavy Hair for Those Who are Weary of those “Women’s Lib Gals”

Unlike your convictions, your hair has some bend to it. Play up that movement with a texturizing spray, and “wave” hello to a feminine, beachy vibe. Because you’ve never considered that a girl would want to look like anything other than a girl. Now that’s just plain weird!


Straight-and-Narrow Hair for the Straight-and-Narrow Woman

You only accept straight people; so it should be easy to accept your straight hair! Straight hair benefits from a blunt cut (blunt is a word people often use to describe you at parties when they don’t want to be rude), which gives the illusion of volume. Ask your hairdresser for a sharp bob or pixie, and watch as the compliments start rolling in. If your hair starts to get unruly throughout the day, keep a miniature straightener in your desk at work for touch-ups. That way, you can flatten down your hair the same you flatten other people’s identities!


Curly Hair for Small-Government Shut-ins

Wearing your hair curly may seem like a political statement nowadays, but remember: Shirley Temple had curls! All better? Okay. To get the most out of your coils, comb an activating cream through wet hair and let air-dry. Touching your hair too much during this process can disrupt the curl pattern, so hands off! Just like you think the government should be. Don’t tread on me, or these luscious locks!



Objectively Natural Hair for Objectivist Ayn Rand Lovers

Most women prefer to chop off all their chemically treated hair so that their hair texture is all the same, the way those socialist wackos want us all to be. Little identical gray-smock-wearing automatons with hybrid genitals? No, thanks! A cute, natural look to reflect your essential “I” at the expense of “them”? Whatever keeps them out of your way to the top!


There you go, you backward fear monger! Now you can embrace your natural beauty, even though you believe there’s only one way to be beautiful.