Having a baby is one of the most beautiful things a person can experience, but it can also be a little intimidating to push a little human out when everyone is staring at you. No worries, mama! Here are five tips on how to deliver your baby even though everyone is looking at you.
Tell everyone that you’re shy.
It’s hard to order food when you’re shy, let alone push out a baby! Performance anxiety is super normal, and honesty is the best policy. Once you let everyone know you’re shy, they might be considerate and turn around while you have your beautiful baby.
Stare back.
Staring is rude, especially when you’re in the nude trying to push out a future president. If your audience is staring, stare back in defiance. Tell them with your eyes that they can’t get away with this without a fight. Turn the tables on them and ask them why they aren’t pushing. Ideally, it will get people to realize that they can’t just go around expecting people to push out babies while they gawk at them.
Put on sunglasses.
If you put on dark-tinted sunglasses, you can’t see the people watching you. The darker the glasses, the better chance you have at blocking any onlookers. Dark sunglasses can be a calming addition to your birth plan. Also, you will look so cool giving birth in sunglasses.
Divert people’s attention away from your active labor.
Create a plan to divert attention. A popular distraction is the murder mystery distraction. Tell everyone there is a murderer in the room and you were sent to investigate the murder. It might seem silly to turn the hospital room into the set of a murder mystery, but everyone will be too distracted trying to prove their innocence to notice you have shoved out a 10-pound baby. After your child is born, say, “Just kidding, I made it all up!” Everyone will be so relieved that there’s not a murderer amongst them that they won’t even notice you made a huge mess on the floor.
Run.
You do not have to give birth while everyone is watching you! Birth is a special human experience, and you should do it on your terms. If you run out of the hospital room fast enough, you can escape without anyone catching you. Pro tip: running can speed up labor! You’ll have a quick private birth in no time, just watch for your trail of birth liquids!
Whether it’s your first child or your third, everyone deserves a comfortable birthing experience without all the slack-jawed fools staring at you. Don’t let the onlookers scare you into keeping your baby in – when you gotta go, you gotta go. Happy birthing!
