We all know that telling your boss about your cramps or your period will get you out of work, but who wants to be that blunt? Here are some creative ways to avoid going into the office without sounding like you’re on the rag:
DO Say: My apartment smells like gas or carbon monoxide or something.
DON’T Say: I’ve been shitting a blood faucet all morning. I know the two holes aren’t connected, it just happens.
DO Say: My landlord is coming by to look at my refrigerator.
DON’T Say: I leaked my uterus lining all over my bedspread. Nothing can contain the forces within me.
DO Say: I have an early conference call so I’m just going to take it from home.
DON’T say: I have cramps so bad I’m vomiting blood. Period blood. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.
DO Say: I accidentally took Ambien instead of Adderall.
DON’T Say: I saw what I thought was a placenta floating in the toilet like a bloated Frosted Mini Wheat. So, yeah, I’m gonna need the morning off.
DO Say: I have to pick my parents up from the airport.
DON’T Say: Is there Mucinex for lady parts? Because my vag just sneezed all of the clots.
DO Say: My basement flooded so I’m dealing with that mess.
DON’T Say: My vagina flooded so I’m dealing with that mess.
DO Say: I have to take my cat to the vet for some follow-up tests.
DON’T Say: I was breaking in my period panties and now my puss is hydroplaning.
DO Say: I have a dentist appointment.
DON’T Say: I’ve donated more blood to this maxi pad than the Red Cross.
DO Say: My flight was delayed due to bad weather.
DON’T Say: My bleeding uterus is reenacting that scene from Carrie.
Remember, you can still be a lady when talking about your lady parts. Your menses is nobody’s business but your own!