Today’s the biggest interview of your life. Your instinct might be telling you to “be the best version of yourself,” but maybe what Oprah meant to say was to “be the barren version of yourself,” because no company wants a “busy mommy” who’s going to actually take her federally mandated maternity leave. If you’re serious about getting this job, you’ll want to put your best, least fertile foot forward. Here’s how to subtly say, “When I hold babies, I feel nothing” in your big interview:
All seven of your alarms went off, so it’s time to get dressed! The perfect outfit communicates a lot about a potential job candidate. Go with pressed black pants, and a sharp blouse that says, “I spend a lot of money on myself because I’m not saving up for anything or anyone important.” Pair the outfit with heels comfortable enough to walk in, but cute enough to say, “I sometimes also wear these heels to the club where I meet men to have casual sex with because nothing’s at stake.” The Google CEO will be like, “A girl who won’t ever need nine months off? I’m Feeling Lucky!”
Walk into the interview with confidence and a smile that says, “No little shit is ever going to ask for the keys to my car on a Friday night.” Prepare a few lines of small talk to start the interview. Safe topics include: the weather, the US Women’s soccer team being good at soccer, and that gynecologists have compared your womb to a landfill. “Whoa—no viable eggs? Her schedule’s wide open!” That top consulting firm will be dying to have you fulfill their gender diversity quota!
Keep body language in mind. Don’t slump in your seat, it looks unprofessional. And don’t cross your legs, it looks like you’re desperately trying to keep a fetus from tumbling out.
Here’s when the most important question hits you: “What’s your biggest weakness?” Your response is simple: “I drank a bunch of poisonous chemicals on a dare at summer camp when I was 12. I threw up directly onto my lap. I sustained third-degree burns on my internal and external sex organs. I’ve been certified barren by the best OBGYNs in Chicago. My body will never, ever house a baby. You can count on that.” They’ll love your candor!
If this plan doesn’t get you hired on the spot, then maybe your interviewer is too distracted thinking about her own baby. Yikes, red flag! Apply somewhere else that’ll appreciate your womb’s hostile environment. Good luck!