How to Bob for Apples in Front of James

Shit shit shit. Of all people, effing James is at this Halloween party—that’s right, hot James—and you’re next in line to bob for apples. What’s a girl to do? You don’t want him to think you’re super hungry for apples (hello, carbs!), but you also want to show him you’re comfortable holding your breath while leaning over. Well, here’s your guide for when you’re of blowing some wet fruit in front of that megahot sometimes-DJ, James.


Don’t be a try-hard.

The most important attitude adjustment you’ll need to make is to dial down your eagerness to chomp down on a buoyant Fuji. Sure you don’t want to come away empty-jawed, but you also don’t want to look thirsty! Go after apples that have bitable lumps on the bottom. Try to do as many bobbing motions with your neck as you can without looking like an Edwardian whore who’s trying to make rent (unless that’s your costume!). Approach the basin with a cool head and softly parted lips to let James know, “I see you there in that Express for Men polo, James, and you’ve got me wet as a fucking goldfish, but Imma be cool about it.”


Don’t go overboard.

While everyone loves a wet t-shirt contest, there’s something a little sad about a woman doing it to herself—especially when it involves voluntarily putting your head into a communal bucket of water and whole fruit. While bobbing for James, get the following parts of yourself wet: lips, chin, throat, cleavage, bangs, very tip of nose. Don’t get any the following parts wet: eyes, sides of nose, back of neck, entire front of shirt, pants, top of head. If you’re worried about not “winning” this contest, ask yourself: Do you want some dumbass GMO produce from gross Jenna’s fridge, or do you want the reportedly “not big but pretty thick” D-pole of James? Get your head right!



Don’t use teeth.

Fucking duh!!


Give James the apple.

If you’re in the unenviable position of apple-bobbing in front of James, whose dad once helped Beyoncé with some real estate paperwork, you’d best turn that obstacle into an opportunity. While it’s unlikely that you’ll actually retrieve an apple if you’re looking appropriately James-worthy, grab an apple with your hand, go over to James, and say something sexy, like “Here is an apple for James,” or, “Hi, Apple,” or simply, “Apple James.” Dammit!!! You fucking blew it again!!!!


If this sounds like a stupid amount of effort to put into looking cool at something inherently uncool like apple-bobbing, just replace that bucket of apples with James’ sexy, ungrateful lap. Now get out there and get bobbin’!