Winter is halfway over, which means spring is within smelling-distance. We’re here to get your flirting strategies in tiptop shape for—you guessed it—crush season! Why can’t they see you? You’re not holding a cucumber. The right handheld veg-cessory can help you get noticed, so we’ve got six types of cukes that will get your crush to say, “Damn, that looks like my peen! Let’s smang!”
1. Armenian Cucumbers
Start out slow! Let him know that you’re interested, but not easy, by holding this varietal; the preferred cuke of the Kardashian family. If you’re new to the market or even looking for something serious, this striking veg is a great starter to get noticed. With a soft crunch and stunning variegation, an Armenian cucumber lets Craig know you’re patient, you like him, and you’re ready to be seen by his penis.
2. Persian Cucumbers
As a veggie that can stand up to a little heat, this cuke is the perfect wingman for your next Friday night outing! Pull this puppy out when you go to close your tab. The whole bar will drop what they’re doing and ask, “Hey, who’s that girl with the Persian cucumber in her hand?” Now you have your pick of the litter. Thanks, Persian cuke!
3. Cucumber Salad
Jennifer thinks of you as a friend, but show her your bi-curious crush is the real deal. Nothing is more suggestive of aroused ladybits than cucumber salad. The next time you guys leave that rave to go pee in the parking lot, scoop some cucumber salad out of your purse. One look at the pale chunks of cuke and gelatinous vinaigrette oozing through your fingers and Jennifer will be like “Damn! Okay, Nicky. Let’s do this!”
4. A Cuke Someone Left on the Shelf in the Canned Food Aisle Instead of Returning It to Produce
Can’t get him to notice you? Wondering if he is just playing games? Show him you’re up for anything with an orphaned cuke that some lazy jerk left on top of the Progresso soups. Hold your drink in one hand and that little lost cuke you found in the canned foods aisle in the other. We guarantee Sean will see you’re here to get down, no matter where the adventure takes you.
5. English Cucumber
Congrats! You’ve cultivated a genderless workplace persona. You will probably make a lot of money, but how do you get Greg from accounting to notice you? When you and Greg leave work together, make sure to pull an English cuke out of your backpack. On your walk to the train, move your hand up and down the shaft of the cuke. This will subconsciously remind Greg that you are a woman with hands. Girl, you’re holding a cuke!
A word of warning: This one is NOT for beginners. The pickle is your most blatant, yet most powerful ally when it comes to getting your crush to pick up on your fuck-vibes. The yellowish color and unmistakable bumps make guys instinctively think of the naked human body. If none of the other cucumbers worked, dust off that Nasty Gal tee, tighten your choker, and reach into your canning pantry. When Michael sees you holding a pickle, you’re not gonna have to brine for long—he’s gonna want you in that pantry right away! Check, please!
Keep those cucumbers handy, girls. Remember: Over 100% of all crush-marriages start with suggestive cucumber-holding. Good luck!