I wasn’t a big fan of men’s soccer before this year’s World Cup, but when I watched Croatia v. Belgium on a livestream a few weeks ago, I was completely captivated. I realized that soccer isn’t necessarily a sport, but rather the artform of pretending to get hurt so that other people pay attention to you. I’ve been hooked on the Men’s World Cup ever since, incorporating it into my own life philosophy.
I’ve taken several notes on how to convincingly fall down in pain and writhe on the ground for attention, and when I’ve performed it myself on sidewalks, coffee shops, and subway platforms, the results have been overwhelming.
Last week, my selfie wasn’t garnering enough attention on Instagram, so I went to the closest restaurant and pretended that my leg was broken. Not only were people concerned, but they called 911 and got even more people to care about me, who were EMTs. But once I left the ER that day with sky-high hospital bills, I realized that I still wanted more.
Now whenever someone even brushes past me on the street, or doesn’t even touch me at all, I jump in pain and roll around on the ground while clutching my arm or leg. Most times it gives me lots of attention from other pedestrians, but sometimes I don’t get a reaction at all because people know I’m faking it. In those cases, I simply get up and walk away, which is something that I’ve learned to do from the World Cup as well.
This method even benefitted me at work! At my retail job I pretended to get hurt by a clothing rack, and I received a settlement for a “workplace injury”, even though I just fell on the floor and screamed for no reason. However, this didn’t work when I said one of the mannequins purposefully tripped me. But as I’m sure many of the soccer players competing at this year’s World Cup would say, “You win some, you lose some!”
I may be unemployed now, but at least I can get attention anytime I want! Thanks, men’s football!