How French Girls Make the Most of Tiny Parisian Penises

French Woman

It’s no secret that French girls know how to make the most out of anything. They can transform a cramped apartment into the Taj Majal. They can turn a head full of frizz into “model off-duty” hair. They make a meal out of a baguette and a chunk of cheese without gaining a pound. But what about microscopic dicks? We recently reached out to Jacqueline Beaumont, the Paris-based blogger behind, who shared her tips about how French girls handle Parisian penises as small as their pores.


Mirror the shit out of that gherkin.

“Many Parisian women use mirrors to make their boyfriend’s petits penises look larger than life,” says Beaumont. We like to use impeccably chic vintage mirrors from thrift shops so his dick not only looks bigger, but also more French. You can even paint the frames with encouraging messages like, ‘Objects in mirror are more pleasurable than they appear!’ “Don’t be afraid to be a little daring,” Beaumont adds. “Cover his thighs in mirror tiles to reflect the penis from every angle.” Your boyfriend’s barely-there member will seem to double in size. Voilà!



Milk it.

While most of us try to avoid bloating, Beaumont reveals that French girls nourish their penile-challenged men with dairy-heavy diets to encourage bloating down there. French girls prefer to bloat a tiny dick with Camembert or Brie, but most any cheese will do. In a pinch, offer him whatever dairy is around. “Café au lait, gelato, a hunk of farm-fresh butter—whatever you can get your hands on,” Beaumont suggests. You’ll want something with a fairly high salt content to maximize le bloat. Hopefully, this dairy assault will lead to a strange feeling of fullness in his genital area and, more importantly, the flattering look of a large penis. Bon appétit!


Make a sandwich out of it.

You don’t have to be French to know that bread makes everything better, including small, unsatisfying dicks. Take his teeny wienie from baffling to appetizing by wrapping it in the French girl’s bread of choice: a baguette. “First, we cut down the bread-wand down to about four or five centimeters to accommodate the man’s tiny penis,” Beaumont instructs. “Good penis baguettes should be crusty, moist, and slightly chewy, and, of course, small enough to be size-enhancing.” Ah, l’amour!



It’s Not the Size, But How You Accessorize

When it comes to dressing up a tiny dick, French girls just GET it. “Distract from a penis’s disappointing size by dangling an adorable accessory, like a dainty pair of ballet slippers, on it,” Beaumont recommends. “Just be sure not to overwhelm the penis with too many baubles. To paraphrase Coco Chanel, ‘Always remove one dick accessory before you leave the house.’” Other must-have Parisian penis add-ons include a silk scarf, round sunglasses, and a single petit four. Très chic!


Keep these tips in mind to make the most of a tiny penis, French-style, and give it that certain je ne sais quoi—and not je ne sais HA!