Help! My SoulCycle Bike Came Loose And Now I’m In Chile

It started out like any other of my bi-weekly SoulCycle classes. I was peddling super hard to “Stay” by Zedd & Alessia Care, but when I tapped-back with such ferocity, I snapped the cycle right off its holds. The bike flew forward, and I went right out of the SoulCycle studio and headed for the border.


Doctors tell me I was caught in an endorphin-induced blackout euphoria state, barely paying attention to my surroundings, and pedaling my heart out. Apparently these bikes are bolted down for a reason – propelled by the force of our jubilant cycling souls and all the positive energy in the room, they gain momentum like that train from Snowpiercer, and are very hard to stop without great effort.


When I finally realized what was happening, I was psyched – I had burned over 40,000 calories! Now that was $30 well spent! But then I took a look around, and realized I was definitely in Northern Chile.


It has taken me over three hours to find a small Chilean village with food and a map, and all I have is my water bottle and my SoulCycle bike, because I left my iPhone in my locker. I have to figure out the route back for myself, and this paper map is super hard to read. I’m just wondering if anybody down here has a good playlist and some chill lighting that can help me find my back to TriBeCa before tomorrow? I booked a bike for the 10 AM class and I really don’t want them to release my bike.


The villagers here keep shouting, “Su bicicleta sólo tiene una rueda,” which at first I assumed was a compliment about my incredibly toned body. Turns out it means, “Your bicycle only has one wheel!” They had like never even heard of SoulCycle. Can you believe that? But like ugh they are all so fit, I can tell they would love it.


It’s way colder down here than you’d think, and all I have on is this tank that says “EAT, BREATHE, SOUL.” It’s one of those cute ones that has the rounded bottom. But now it’s stained because I had to cut open a dead mountain boar and wear its hide. It smells gross, but I have to say I’m still loving this class.



Anyway, I’m just trying to stay in the zone so I can bike all the way back. I’ve tried humming “Stay” by Zedd & Alessia Care, but it’s not the same at all. And it’s like super light out outside, so I can see everything, which is not a great way to workout. You never really appreciate the SoulCycle studio until you’re pushing a one-wheeled bike across the Andes.


So if the SoulCycle on 19th Street is looking for their bike, please tell them to send a plane to somewhere in the middle of the Andes Mountains, and also some froyo if they have a sec? I’m really hoping this adventure lands me a front row bike when I return.