In deeply upsetting news coming out of your Instagram feed, it appears that Hailey Goodwin, the girl you went to high school with who was way more popular than you, is still more popular than you, has an amazing job, and is also having a blast traveling the world right now.
“Back in high school, I was pretty confident that even though I wasn’t the prettiest, or the funniest, or the richest, or the smartest, I would still have my glory days later in life,” you told reporters. “But while I’m still waiting for that to happen, seeing Hailey eating fresh pappardelle in Italy is definitely not helping.”
We were also able to speak with Hailey about her trajectory from homecoming queen to well-adjusted and financially comfortable young woman.
“I had a great time in high school,” Hailey told us. “I was a cheerleader and was voted prom queen two years in a row. Then, after that, I went to one of the top colleges in the world, and I was hired by a tech startup with amazing benefits right before I graduated. So yeah, I’m doing pretty well right now!”
When looking at Hailey’s life, many are shocked at how much better it is than yours, even though you thought high school was definitely gonna be it for her.
“I mean, when does that ever happen?” you said. “The popular kids are supposed to settle down and live boring lives right after high school, and the nerds are supposed to peak in their late thirties to forties! She must have not gotten the memo?”
“All I’m asking for is one ugly phase,” you continued. “Just one! Is that too much to ask for?”
According to our fact checkers, yes, it is.
At press time, Hailey is jet skiing in the Mediterranean while you send some more emails. She has also been asked to speak at your high school about her experience being better than you until the end of time.
