Are you sick of being scrutinized by friends and family, who think you’ve been “acting distant” for “what seems like forever”? Maintaining basic social functions is taxing enough as it is without worrying about telegraphing a complex personality. Finding a great pair of glasses is the perfect way to distract others from your lack of depth and keep up with the stylish likes of Zooey Deschanel and other four-eyed beauties. The right glasses can totally reinvent your personal style and ease the unrelenting agony of your existence!
Cat Eye
Me-ow! These flirty frames are a playful way to express a unique sense of style you’re hoping to pass off as a personality. They’re a little bit retro, a little bit sexy, and a lot easier to talk about than the continuous loop of nothingness that is your inner life. You will receive so many comments about your new specs, you’ll hardly have to participate in any substantial conversation at all. For extra oomph, choose a pair with a rhinestone detail and make those empty eyes really pop—or at least sit there, kind of vacantly, but surrounded by diamonds.
Bookish Round Frames
Is this the friction section? Because you are one hot librarian with the emotional intelligence of a sheet of microfiche! Heyo! Your new smart, sexy persona will distract your friends from the fact that all relationships are meaningless to you. Human interaction may just be something you engage in to avoid drawing negative attention to yourself, but they’ll mistake your indifference for superior intelligence. And no more fumbling for excuses about what you’ve been doing lately, because they’ll probably just assume you’re training for Jeopardy!
Super Fun Readers (Glasses Chain Optional)
Swipe a pair of reading glasses from your oldest relative for an adorable substitute teacher look. Trust us, she will never notice! Besides, Grammy will probably be dead soon. Lucky her! This off-color, on-point choice is a great way to make a statement about who you are without making any emotional investment whatsoever. People will be so amused by your quirky choice of accessories that they’ll mistake you for someone who feels things. Sure, you will still feel profound nothingness, but they’ll be revived by your visual spunk. You haven’t cried in years—haha!
Vintage Prescription Lenses
Check out your fave vintage store and find the strongest lenses you can. What if you have perfect vision? Even better! Snag a pair with a prescription so high you can only make out amorphous shapes that you keep running into. Go ahead and relish the pain, because it’s kind of nice to feel anything at all. It’s so doggone cute how clumsy you are. So cute that absolutely no one suspects the vast, all-consuming nothingness within you. Awesome!
Classic Disguise Glasses
Can’t you imagine how hilarious it would be to pop a pair of these on to surprise your pals when they least expect it? If you can’t because you lost all sense of imagination when the world crushed your spirit, just trust us! It would be totally funny! These zany prank glasses will leave people charmed by your devil-may-care sense of humor, so you can get back to being a human glass of milk in peace.
Clinging to your measly shreds of human empathy while teetering on the edge of the abyss is a full-time job, so why not let your accessories take some of the pressure off? Now just sit back and let your glasses do the talking. You’ve got despairing to do!
