We’ve all been there—it’s a beautiful Saturday filled with potential, but it’s all ruined by having to spend it with your mother-in-law. Here are some fun activities that would have been enjoyable were it not for the brittle, 117-pound sack of negativity wrapped in Chico’s and Pandora bracelets:
Visit a Museum! Take in some culture at your city’s history museum (or bide your time at the gift shop while his mom marvels at “primitive” societies). As you lament over your $22 lunch salad (as she laments that you didn’t meet your “goal weight” before the wedding) you’ll wish your brain had been pulled out through your nose like those lucky mummies.
Go Shopping! Take a stroll through Baby Gap as “Mom” reminds you that “…it’s about time, after all.” Coo over those tiny shoes and quell the urge to garrote her with the strings of a baby hoodie; it’s too soon for her prophecy of “dying without a grandchild ” to come true. Just take a deep breath and let her miasma of Estée Lauder’s “Beautiful” numb you into a trance.
Have a Leisurely Brunch! Hit your favorite spot for bottomless Mimosas. By the second, she’ll be telling you all about her secret first marriage to Steve Lacroix, who is now a successful breeder of Yorkshire Terriers in New Hampshire, and “what could have been if he’d been able to overcome those homosexual urges.” By the fifth, she’ll give you some helpful advice for your career, like that you should “show a little less T&A—it’s a credit union, not a bordello.”
Spend a Day on the Farm! Join her for chores around the family farm while you get some color in your cheeks, fresh air in your lungs, and pig shit in your hair. You’ll love it when she regales everyone during future holidays about how you got lost in the corn maze. She’ll also tell you the sad tale of your husband’s first love, Peg, who was crushed in an unfortunate thresher accident. Such a sweet girl. She always did like Peg more than you.
Reorganize Your Kitchen! Open the windows and let the sunlight stream in right along with the constant judgment. She’s let you know for years that everything is all wrong, and it’s about time you put things right while she supervises from a high stool with a pack of Virginia Slims and a gimlet. After that, you can rid your closet of all of those fucking wire hangers that you’ve been using to hang the nice dresses she buys you.
These ideas are just a jumping off point for ideas to make new memories together, and ruin your first opportunity for respite after a killer workweek. Remember—you’ve earned this misery by going back on your oath to only date orphans. Have fun!