Halloween Treat Buckets That Aren’t Your Tear-Soaked Pillowcase

It’s 6:30 PM, and the excited voices of neighborhood children clamor from outside. It’s Halloween, but something is wrong. Your daughter doesn’t have anything to carry her candy except your tear-soaked pillowcase. Instead of calling her father because God forbid you ask him for anything, use one of these alternatives within arm’s reach:


A Garbage Can

While it might not smell great, a garbage can is a far better alternative than the pillowcase you were crying into about your deflating, loveless marriage. Be sure to give your child the smaller garbage can–it’s easier to hold in their tiny hands compared to that heavy, saturated pillowcase.


The Candy Bowl You Use to Hand Out Treats.

Sure, you may have to sacrifice the vital container for dispersing candy to other trick-or-treaters, but that is heaven compared to the hell of your child wondering why her mother’s pillowcase is damp and crusty with the salt of her tears. Put your child first.


Your Husband’s Baseball Mitt.

God knows he doesn’t need it. He hasn’t exercised in years. Why? Why did he stop caring about his body? Is any sacrifice for your enjoyment out of the question? Where has the romance gone? What happened to the Ted you fell in love with? Are those days gone forever? Will you ever find love again? A mitt also fits conveniently on your child’s hand!


Her Own Pillowcase.

It might not be big enough to handle the candy haul she’s hoping to get, but your daughter needs to get familiar with this intimate piece of fabric at an early age so that she feels comfortable pouring her emotion into it when she becomes a mother and realizes she shouldn’t have dropped out of college. Maybe if you’re a better mother, her pillowcase won’t know the same, sad fate as yours.



A Ghost Bucket!

It is the right size, fits the theme of Halloween, and also comes with a convenient handle. Although it would force you to leave the house to go to Walgreen’s looking like this, the easier-to-hold strap creates a night and day difference between your pillowcase, which is so damp it would most certainly slip out of your daughters hands.


The Backseat of Your Car

Maybe you should just get out of the house for the night. Make Ted hand out the candy, since hee hasn’t done a goddamn thing for anyone in this house. Just drive Candace around the block with her friends and toss candy in the backseat. It will allow your pillowcase time to dry out enough that Ted won’t see you’ve been crying. Just…give yourself an evening away from it all.


Happy haunting! Try not to cry!