Friend Way Too Eager To Reveal She’s A ‘Very Sexual Person’

In a continuously unfolding story, friends of 27-year-old Diane Porter confirm she is way too eager to reveal that she is, in her own words, a “very sexual person.”


“I thought it was a college thing, but it’s been five years since we graduated and she’s still doing it,” says Genevieve Archer, Porter’s friend from Notre Dame. “We went out for drinks with my guy friends last week, and she kept leaning in to one of them and whispering, ‘I’m just a very sexual being.’ It’s just like, can we talk about literally anything else?”


Porter, who works in real estate in Chicago, has not been able to contain her sexual vibes in the workplace, either.



“Every time she closes a deal, she moans and does a dance where she humps chairs and stuff,” shares Dean Lopez, Porter’s boss. “We used to ask her to stop, but she would just shout, ‘I’m just a very sexual person. You can’t discriminate against me for that!’”


Sources have brought to our attention that Porter isn’t actually all that sexually active behind closed doors. “We were worried at first because when she toured the apartment she kept joking about having loud sex,” says Porter’s roommate, Chaz Laughlin. “But she doesn’t have visitors over ever. She spends most nights cuddling with her cat, Shrimp.”


When questioned via email, Porter wrote:


“I don’t know, I am just extremely sexual. I don’t know why it continues to be such an issue but it’s something people notice about me immediately. It’s just a sexual energy I resonate, something I can’t control.”