How To Keep Your Shit Together Even Though This Restaurant Is Cash Only

So you’ve sat down, ordered drinks, and started looking at the menu, when you see the two words every person fears: CASH ONLY. You black out for a second because frankly, the rage you’re feeling right now probably feels insurmountable. But that’s okay, because believe or not, you can keep your shit together in this situation. Here’s how:


Practice intentional breathing.

It sounds simple, but gently measured breaths can help keep your heart rate down and allow you to take control of your emotions. Sure, when the check comes, you’re going to have to wrestle on your giant coat, step out into the bitter fucking cold, trek your ass to the Seven-Eleven down the block, pay like $8 fucking dollars in ATM fees and haul your ass back to the restaurant, which would strike fear in even the strongest people you know. But don’t think about that now. Just breathe in and out and cleanse your body of all that negative energy.


Go to your happy place.

When people find out a restaurant is cash only, our first instinct is to bum-rush the manager and scream, “YOU FEEL PRETTY FUCKING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, HUH? FEEL LIKE A BIG, MANLY MAN BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CREDIT CARD MACHINE? NICE. COOL MOVE, GUY.” Don’t do that. Close your eyes, and go to a place that makes you feel calm. For example, a Starbucks, where every single store has the exact same setup, sells the same shit and takes fucking VISA.


Remember: Don’t take it out on Stacy, your dining partner.

Yes, she’s right there. And yes, she picked this restaurant and only brought enough cash to cover her half of the check. And, sure, she just got that fat bonus at her investment banking job and totally *could* cover your broke ass. And, yeah, earlier today she probably started texting you, “Heads up, it’s cash only!” but paused, considered the dagger-like pain she could cause you, smirked impishly to herself and deleted her text. Of course. But remember: Don’t take your anger out on Stacy. Or do. I mean, if that makes you feel better just go ahead. We’re not going to stop you. Fuck Stacy, right? You could have met at a Starbucks.



See, that’s not so hard, right? Instead of flipping over your table and shrieking at the smug fucking couple next to you who totally remembered to bring bills, try these hacks out next time you find yourself at a cash-only eatery. Oh, and maybe never speak to Stacy again. Bon appétit!