In a developing story, your friend Jennifer Cooley, who is in a new relationship, has been talking about sex as if she is the first woman on earth to have ever had it.
“It’s crazy how much being in a relationship can change you,” said Jennifer. “It’s like, having sex with someone you really love is INCREDIBLE. You guys probably wouldn’t understand.”
“I’m not saying this to brag,” said Jennifer, who has apparently squeezed a lifetime of sexual experience into the two weeks she’s known this Tinder dude. “but having sex with someone you truly care about makes it so much more meaningful. It just really makes you appreciate how beautiful and bonding lovemaking can be.”
Other friends have taken notice of Jennifer’s sudden Dr. Ruth-level sex expertise.
“She’s really been pushing it,” said Kyra Logan, Jennifer’s roommate. “All she talks about lately is boning. And we share a wall, so I’ve also been taking the brunt of all her over-the-top moaning and grunting. The sex can’t be that incredible, he’s just some generic finance bro!”
“Every time she starts seeing a new guy, it’s this again,” added Ursula Wynn, Ms. Cooley’s college friend. “It’s getting pretty irritating. We’ve all had sex before, she didn’t discover fucking. And she keeps calling it ‘lovemaking,’ which is disgusting.”
But Jennifer, who has started publicly identifying as a tantric healing enthusiast, doesn’t see the problem.
“My friends just don’t understand how life-changing that frequent, satisfying sex can be,” said Jennifer, smiling smugly. “Maybe I should try to explain it to them a few more times?”
