What girl doesn’t love to get presents from her man? But sometimes, a gift isn’t just a gift. Sometimes it’s a goodbye wrapped up in shiny paper and a bow with a card that says, “U aren’t depressed, right?” That’s why it’s important to recognize when those gifts are screaming, “I am going to dump you in three days.” Check out this list of presents you never want to receive:
Flowers. If a guy gets you flowers out of the blue, you might get the impression that he can’t stop thinking about you! Don’t fall into that trap. A guy who gets you flowers is really just trying to prove to himself how great of a boyfriend he is. That way, he can be completely guilt-free when he dumps you in front of the bowling alley a week later.
Bracelet. There’s no piece of jewelry that’s more of a consolation prize than the bracelet. It says, “I like you as much as you liked your best friend from camp. See you later, girl who feels like a distant cousin to me.”
Spa certificate. He’ll say it’s for you to relax, but it’s really his last-ditch attempt to make you look and feel like someone he could love. When you emerge from your visit refreshed and sans makeup, he’ll know for sure that “this is not someone I want to wake up to in the morning.”
Puppy. The gift that means, “don’t worry—you’ll never be alone. Even after I leave you. But aside from this dog, you’ll be pretty much alone.”
Pied-à-terre. Oh, SURE, you’re always talking about your dream of having your very own romantic breakfast nook on the Upper West Side with a view of the park. And he’ll give you one. But what he’ll really be saying is, “please move out.”
Engagement ring. You’d be a fool to think this gift is saying “lifelong commitment.” What it’s really saying is, “I want to distract you for a couple of years before I mail divorce papers to you in the home we share because I’m leaving you for that girl I met in my spin class.” Sorry, sister.
Remember, presents aren’t always a good thing. If you get one of these, the only thing to do is break out the Pinot Grigio and start Tindering, because you’ll be back on the market before you know it.