Spring is the perfect time to get your beautiful, feminine body outside and into the sunshine – unless you suffer from allergies. For those of us who do, here are some tips to project a look of womanly wellbeing in spite of your disgusting symptoms:
1. Itchy eyes? Go Victorian.
Carry saline solution in a bottle marked “rose water” – that way, if anyone catches you with it, they’ll see you as a fresh-smelling figure of health and beauty, rather than the sickly shell of a human being that you are.
2. Sneezing? Say “Eschew.”
When the sneeze comes out, do your best to say the word “eschew.” This will ensure that your sneeze is delicate, and does not draw attention or sound fat. Have a go-to saying just in case, such as, “Eschew from gluten, it will change your life.”
3. Runny nose? Give the old Peruvian Shaman Excuse.
If you must blow your nose, keep a tissue hidden underneath a perfumed silk square. If people say, “Are you blowing your nose?” Cover by saying that you’re simply massaging your nose in spirits prescribed to you by a Peruvian shaman to help maintain its “button” shape. If anyone asks if they can try it, tell them your shaman advises against sharing argan-based spirits. And he doesn’t speak English so he can’t prescribe it to anyone else.
4. Puffiness and swelling? “Invisible Man” yourself.
If you have to leave the house, find your finest sun hat, large sunglasses and scarf and remind people that you are “practicing the art of classic elegance.” To avoid this seeming out of character, start working these elements into your wardrobe now to maximize believability before the pollen count rises.
Remember, the key is to keep it ladylike by disguising your bodily functions at all times. If necessary, hole up in your apartment and explain that you needed some beauty rest.