Entire Stimulus Check Spent On Beans

Putting her in good company with the rest of the nation, New Jersey resident Liliane Greenfield has reportedly spent her entire government stimulus check on various beans.


“As soon as the direct deposit hit, I was off to the races,” says Greenfield. “I mean, the race to buy a lot of beans.”


“$1,200 is only enough to get through me, a single person with no dependents, through one month of rent, groceries, and utilities,” Greenfield adds. “So I figured I may as well spend the whole check on the only thing I can reliably count on these days: Beans.”


Experts confirm that though the economy has come to a staggering halt, bean sales are flourishing.


“Beans are a somewhat stigmatized food,” says bean spokesperson Rava Olson. “Most Americans would prefer to get their protein from beef or poultry, perhaps due in part to beans inextricable cultural association with flatulence.”



“But with the meat shortage, and more people happy to fart all day in their homes, record numbers of consumers are saying: Okay, beans, I guess,” Olson adds.


And while Americans are struggling through the Covid-19 catalyzed economic depression, beans remain an affordable and omnipresent choice.


“By the end of this, I’m sure I’ll never want to look at a bean again,” says Greenfield. “In fact, I kind of already feel that way, yet here I am with a kitchen full of dried beans.”


“Ultimately, $1,200 just isn’t a lot money,” Greenfield adds. “But it sure is a lot of beans.”