Mom Has Stopped Saying ‘I Miss You’ Since Figuring Out How to Update Candy Crush  

In a developing story out of Poughkeepsie, NY, it appears that Kathy Dang has suddenly stopped texting her daughter Lily “I miss you” and other motherly affirmations since figuring out how to update Candy Crush on her own.


“She used to text me constantly, telling me she missed me, asking to Facetime,” said Lily. “Now that I don’t have to manually log into her iCloud to update her apps, I haven’t heard a peep. Really makes you think.”


Lily’s brother Michael apparently experienced a similar decline in texts a few years ago.


“Yeah, for months it was ‘please come visit me my number 1 son’ at least biweekly,” said Michael. “And then I taught her how to program her DVR. Now I’m lucky if I get a merry christmas or happy birthday text.”


“Matter of fact, I don’t actually remember getting a text from mom on my birthday this year,” he added, before hurriedly checking his phone.



“It’s like, as soon as she realized that she could do these incredibly simple things by herself, she forgot all about her children,” said Lily. “I, for one, miss that annoyance.”


Kathy, who also just figured how to download dating apps, explained her perspective.


“It’s not that I don’t miss Lily, of course, I do. I’m her mother,” said Kathy, looking up from her Android for a brief moment. “It’s just that I don’t need to see her every second of the day. She lived with me for 18 years, saw me every day. She’ll survive. I’d just rather be playing Candy Crush.”


“Or sexting with the hot, mustachioed salesman who just superswiped me on Tinder,” Kathy added.


Sources confirm a verifiable look of disgust upon Lily and Michael’s face after their mother’s last statement.