Well fuck. Reports confirm the bug on your ceiling has disappeared.
“Yikes,” you say. “I had eyes on that thing for the last 20 minutes. I look down at my phone for a second and it’s gone.”
The bug, which appears to be some sort of small but presumably highly dangerous spider, was first spotted in the corner of your ceiling right when you were finally getting ready to go to bed.
“Undesirable though it may be, l could go to sleep with a spider on my ceiling,” you explain. “But to go to sleep with a spider in an unknown location in my room? That’s untenable.”
Experts confirm that the situation looks bleak.
“Of course, when a bug disappears from your ceiling, you always want to hope for the best,” says entomologist Dr. Shana Monreaux. “But in the field, we all know that to do so is virtually delusional.”
“There’s a negligible margin of error in these figures,” Dr. Monreaux continues. “But our current understanding is that when a spider disappears from sight, there is an 85% chance it’s crawling up the side of your bed toward your pillow, and a .0002% chance it has exited your room through either a door or window.”
This is not looking good for you.
“I don’t want to live in fear,” you say. “But in this situation, unbridled terror and anxiety is clearly the only option.”
At press time, you were bringing your pillow out to the couch.
