In the stupidest fucking story out of Miami, Florida, local genius Sheila Shorn has opened up a shell shop by the seashore in which she sells seashells, despite being situated literally right next to the stupid seashore.
Can you believe the balls on this goddamn idiot?
Business owners everywhere are calling Sheila’s latest enterprise “the Mona Lisa of dumb fucking ideas” and “something that, for her own sake, should be made illegal.”
Reporters inquired whether the shells Sheila sells are from this very sea shore, and local resident Sharon Silver said, “If she sells seashells on this seashore, then I’m sure she sells this seashore’s shells.”
Get a load of this crap!
Small business owner Saul Schecter had this to say about the seashell snafu: “Have you ever heard of ‘supply and demand’? The supply is infinite and the demand is zero! She’s on the sea shore! That’s where we get the fucking seashells! I am furious.”
Selling seashells by the sea shore is certainly among the dumbest ideas the town has seen, alongside pickling a peck of already-pickled peppers, and when Betty Botter bought some butter, but said “the butter’s bitter,” put it in her batter, and made bitter batter that would have been better if not for the bitter butter.
When asked why she chose to make this idiotic business venture, Sheila told reporters, “I simply love the look on the children’s faces when I hand them a lovely seashell. As Mary Oliver wrote, ‘Joy is not made to be a crumb.’ These small moments bring such elation to my life, and I would not trade them for all the world’s riches. The sea is where my heart lies, and the shells are where its love goes.”
Fuck off about your seashore seashells, Sheila! Give us a fucking break!
At press time, Sheila had made all of zero fucking dollars from her business. Following suit after the seashell business, a local clam fisherman started selling bottles of dairy clam, which is also dumb as hell: How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
