DUDE CORNER: You Wouldn’t Get It

Dude Corner

Hey, babe, you’re home early! I’ve just been sitting on the couch, mulling my complex thoughts, drinking a Bud. That’s “Bud Light” to you. What have I been thinking about? Well, it’s mostly…actually, you wouldn’t get it. 


What’s on the TV right now? It’s this show called American Ninja Warrior where people compete to pass a really hard obstacle course and win – actually, you wouldn’t get it. I can already see the judgment on your face and your general lack of understanding, and to be fully honest, it’s just super obvious that you couldn’t grasp it. Sorry that I tried to share my world with you. It won’t happen again. 


Why don’t we watch American Psycho for a bit? It’s this film by this guy “Mary Herron” – actually, no. What was I thinking? You wouldn’t – yeah, can you not interrupt me when I’m saying you wouldn’t get it? Thanks.


By the way, I’m going out with the guys tonight to the roller rink, where men can be men. Why is the roller rink a place where men can be men? I can’t explain this to you, babe. I can’t explain this. You simply would not get it. 


Jeremy was telling this hilarious joke last night, by the way! It was so good! It’s about his dumb bitch wife Margar – yeah, Margaret! No, calling her his “bitch wife” is literally just a joke, like, he doesn’t mean it. It’s irony babe. Irony? I-ro-ny. Of course you don’t think it’s funny. You wouldn’t get that sort of thing. 


Oh, you wrote a Junior Paper on irony while studying for your joint English and Physics degree at Yale? Well, did you study “getting it”? Didn’t think so. 



I know you want me to open up more but it’s hard when I’m faced with your face, you know? Like, those blank eyes that tell me we’re on completely different wavelengths. I just know that if I told you exactly why I was bummed the Raiders left Oakland even though I don’t live in Oakland and I don’t watch that much football, you just wouldn’t get it. And then I’d have to spend a lot of time wondering whether I’m the problem – which I’m not – and it’d be a whole thing, okay? Forget it. Forget I said anything. Can’t believe I thought you’d get it. 


What was that article you sent me today, by the way? Yeah, the one about particle physics. What the fuck is that? Literally did not get it.