Hey, girl. I know you’ve been freaking out about the fact that 72 million Americans voted to elect Trump again, even though he’s responsible for overturning Roe v. Wade, stoking transphobia nationally, and enacted countless other regressive policies. What I want you to know is that you’re being really crazy about this and totally misunderstanding what he’s trying to say. Just kind of saying whatever stokes his base is just his style of brash and honest humor. Don’t worry – he doesn’t mean any of the things he says, unless I agree with what he’s saying, in which case, he is dead serious.
When Trump said Mexicans were rapists and criminals then promised to “build a wall,” making that a cornerstone of his 2016 platform, the thing you’re missing is that was actually just a joke. You should have been able to identify it as such pretty fast. It’s actually embarrassing that you didn’t understand he was joking, because he clearly was. How could I tell? Because Trump and I just have that sort of connection.
Now, when he promised to overturn Roe v. Wade, something I agreed with, he definitely meant that, because he did it. You can tell when Trump means something, because that is something he does. And you can tell when Trump is joking, because that’s something he doesn’t do. You might think this means that you can only tell retroactively if Trump is serious or not – based on his actions – but, uh…what was I saying? Oh yes. You’re being sensitive.
All of this fear and anger you’re experiencing doesn’t account for the fact that Trump is literally a little jokester most of the time. When he admitted to inappropriately touching women, that was a joke (even though he did it), but when he says he’s going to bring back jobs, he means that. How do I know? It’s just a vibe thing, babe. Can I call you babe? Oh, you have a boyfriend? Don’t tell him I said that or that I did any of the things I did.
When Trump said he would reduce funding for the EPA and increase domestic production of oil, which will be disastrous for global warming, he was making a cute little quip, you idiot! But when he said he’d cut taxes on tips, he meant that with a hand to God. Are you getting it now? Good.
Now that we’ve cleared that up, I was wondering – would you want to go out with me some time? Oh. Okay. I was literally just pulling your leg, slut.
