Anyone sitting here? I know all the other seats in this coffee shop are empty, but I would love to be as close to you as possible for reasons apparent only to me. Oh, what am I doing? Just some really important work for the company at which I am a low-level project manager, but if I’m being honest, I’m probably just going to draft a fantasy football team for the next three hours. That being said, there’s one thing you should know about me before we begin this fated relationship, nay, love affair. You are going to hear me type.
Now, you might be wondering how it’s possible that someone with such small hands manages to use them to make such big noises, but that’s just what I’m about, babe. Is it okay if I call you “babe”? Actually, don’t answer that. I know you love it.
Yeah, anyway, I never learned to type so I will be using fingers you’ve never really seen to touch letters you’d never expect. And will be doing all of this at the volume of a World War II telegraph coming in via morse code. Does that sort of thing “do it” for you? I hope so, because there is no stopping it!
You should also know that I will be typing rapidly then not at all at irregular intervals, so getting work of your own done is going to be nearly impossible. Can’t imagine you were doing work anyway, though. Probably just working on some fluff journalism piece for the local fashion mag, huh babe? Oh, “babe” is what I call you – we discussed this. Wait, sorry, what’s “the EPA”? Nice try, but I know a fake organization and job when I hear one.
Can I type any quieter? No. It is physically impossible for me to do so, and it’s actually super ableist of you to ask. Now if you need me, I’ll be playing a metal song at such a high volume that you will be able to hear it through my headphones, and I will be tapping my feet to the beat so incorrectly that it will be impossible for you to focus. But while we’re talking, would you mind if I take one of those pretzel bites? Just want to make sure my hands are all oiled up for the typing I’m about to do. Thanks, toots!
