Darlene Frantically Thinking of Something She Hasn’t Eaten or Done Since Ash Wednesday

In a developing story out of Swansea, MA, 23-year-old Darlene Kennings is struggling to find something she hasn’t eaten or done since Ash Wednesday that she can retroactively “give up” for Lent.


“I just got super busy and totally forgot that it’s Lent,” said Darlene, who hasn’t attended mass since her confirmation. “But there has to be something I haven’t eaten or done since last Wednesday. Maybe, like, Cheetos? But it’d have to be the flaming hot ones cause I just had some yesterday.”


Darlene, whose mother will inevitably be checking in about what she’s given up, hasn’t broken any of the Lenten rules just yet.


“I’m a pescetarian, so the fish-on-Fridays thing hasn’t been an issue,” she said. “I just haven’t pinpointed something specific that I’m sacrificing. And like, I don’t even really care, I’d just….feel guilty if I didn’t give something up.”


“It’s honestly pretty Catholic of me,” she added.


Other barely Catholic friends have given suggestions.



“I told Dar that she should just give up something she doesn’t do in the first place, like exercise or doing cocaine,” said Lisa Newman. “But she said that it would be cheating. I don’t know why she’s so concerned about this!”


After days of wracking her brain, Darlene thinks she’s finally come up with something.


“I’m going to give up having sex for Lent,” said Darlene. “I don’t have a boyfriend and that random hookup last week wasn’t technically sex – at least not in God’s eyes.”


“Also, if I slip up, I won’t feel any more guilty than I already do because I’m Catholic,” she added. “It’s a win-win!”