From the chili potlucks to the milk-based cocktails, winter is an endless slog of intense and fiercely unpredictable bouts of diarrhea. With all the buttons, snaps, straps, and loops on ski attire these days, you need a master’s degree in structural engineering just to take off your snowpants. So if a crap attack strikes on the middle the slopes and you’re trapped in a fleece-lined, waterproof butt prison, here are a few ways to look cute skiing while staying completely still after shitting your snowpants.
Do “The Pizza” All The Way Down
One of the first things you learn in skiing is how to stop skiing. By forming your skis into an angle, like a pizza slice, you can easily stop your downward momentum, while also stopping the momentum of fecal matter slogging its way toward the end of your pant leg. If concerned passersby won’t stop asking if you need help, throw out a fun line like, “I’m practicing how to stop, so don’t even get me STARTED!” Banter is always cute and throws off the scent—that god-awful, shitty scent.
If you’re skiing with friends as part of a group getaway, cuteness is priority number one, even when you make a number two. This move is best executed if you’ve power-pooted just as you left the lift. Everyone loves a little friendly competition! Mask the look of dread slowly taking over your face by shouting, “Race ya!” Your friends will jump at the opportunity to prove they’re better than everyone else and zoom down the slope, and you can buy a little time at the top of the mountain, planning how you’ll get out of this horrendous situation. Maybe call 911?
Classify Plant Phylum
Sausage gravy and biscuits was a miserably poor breakfast choice for a ski date. Adrenaline is, after all, a natural laxative, and between your cute date and zooming through the cold air, your butt is wide-open. If the gravy shits hit you mid-trail, casually glide into a patch of forest at the first sign of intestinal tremors. As your clammy hands fumble at the labyrinth of zippers on your snow pants, butt sludge is inevitable. When your man wonders what you’ve been doing crouched behind a tree for 25 minutes, tell him you got distracted by a conifer, or whatever the fuck scientists call trees. Tell him to go on ahead and stay there until darkness falls. You will die in this forest before anyone knows you shit yourself.
So you were airlifted up to a 3,000-foot peak and basically shit yourself as soon as you were pushed out of the helicopter. You don’t exactly know the signs of frostbite, but you’re pretty sure crouching motionless with your ears exposed on a mile-high mountaintop in subzero temperatures for two days might do the trick. While faking a spinal injury is cute, it’s a last resort only to be used for the least cute of snow pants-shittings. By now, your troublesome turds have frozen to your skin, so seepage shouldn’t be an issue. If the EMTs do notice the smell of raw sewage coming from your pants as the poop begins to thaw, they’ll assume you lost control of your bowels due to injury, and not because you basically drank the leftover fondue cheese right out of the pot. Cute!
These tips aren’t just limited to skiers. If you happen to poop your snow pants while snowboarding, tubing, sledding, or salting the walkway, you can still look cute. Just remember to keep completely still. Seriously, don’t fucking move. Have fun!