So you’re about to singlehandedly negotiate the merger between two Fortune 500 companies—in that dress? Nailing a multi-billion dollar corporate deal is as much about using your knowledge, skillset, and ruthless work ethic as it is about choosing an outfit that will adorably transition from day-to-night. Here’s our guide to conducting big business while staying super cute!
Downplay your expertise.
If it comes up, be non-committal and vague about the years you have slaved to work up to this level of seniority. Your apparent naïveté will put everyone else at ease and prevent the guys in the group from being able to work out how old you are. If your career history comes up, giggle and insist you “got lucky” and “have no idea” how it all happened “so fast” and that you’re “just excited to be here, to be honest.” You cutie!
Speak softly and carry a big fluffy puppy.
Your job is to make sure that the concerned parties manage to reach a mutually beneficial agreement—it’s about them, not you, so keep quiet! If you must talk, talk about the big, chubby puppy you are holding in your arms as you negotiate the terms of this merger. This is what Theodore Roosevelt was talking about!
Channel boho chic.
You’ll be amazed what a difference some floaty fabric and a couple of well-placed feathers can make throughout the corporate merging process. A peasant blouse will remind everyone you’re too cute have handled this kind of money before, and a flirty hem will remind any older men of their teenage daughters. Who doesn’t think their daughters are delightful??
If there’s overseeing to do, you’ll need some serious heels to bring you up to the men’s eye level! High heels will flatter your ankles, lengthen your legs, and prevent you from being able to walk to the ladies without looking like a little gazelle lost in the city. Cute squared! Unless you are tall. If you’re a tall lady, wear flats and stay seated to avoid any short men having to confront the fact that they’re short.
Ask all the guys questions.
Guys feel empowered when you ask them questions, even if it’s stuff you already know or don’t want to do. Start small, like, “Excuse me Matthew, can I offer you some sparkling water?” before transitioning to, “Clive, I was up all night in my teeniest nightdress wondering, what do you think about capital risk reduction for the concerned parties?” Rhetorical questions are another great way to look cute while handling a billion-dollar transaction. Try “How am I supposed to know what the revenue synergy will be, Howard? I’m just a teeny tiny girl!”
You’ve done really well to make it this far—they let little ol’ you oversee this whole merger! Let the others take it from here so you can get started on the real business of the day: eating a salad that tastes like failure. Tee hee!