In a disturbing report emerging from your hometown, the absolutely dazzling outfit you put together, which would engender nothing but respect and awe in the city, appears to be lost upon your current suburban audience.
Damn it! Don’t they know this would turn heads in the Brooklyn neighborhood known as Bushwick?
Over the course of your two-week visit to your hometown, you’ve been determined not to downplay the cool sense of style you’ve cultivated these last few years in the city. You’ve been shocked to learn, however, that by suburban standards, you look like shit.
“I just don’t understand what it is about my thrifted oversized shirt, bike shorts, long socks, ironic hat, and loafers that’s getting lost on everyone.” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “It’s a certified banger outfit.”
This “certified banger outfit” has garnered seven consecutive double takes, two audible scoffs, and one barely hidden fit of snickers from a group of moms at the local brunch place.
“When I got dressed in my perfect outfit this morning, my dad asked if I was ‘Sure I wanted to go out in that,’ you continued, aghast. “What is he talking about? This shorts-and-loafers combo is the perfect balance of dressing up and dressing down.”
While you get many compliments on this exact outfit when you wear it in the city, it appears everyone here is looking at you with a combination of derision and pity. Your mom, meanwhile, made one very sarcastic inquiry as to whether “the holes in your shirt cost extra.”
“Did you see the clothes?” local mom Winnie Myers said to one reporter, pulling him aside while he was in line for bagels. “I just don’t get it. Why are her socks so long? Why is she wearing boy shoes? Why is the shirt so big? Also, why does it have holes? Do those make it more expensive?”
According to the friends you bought this shirt with, the holes are stylistically placed and add a fun element to the entire look. Also, Winnie sounds like a huge bitch.
You left the house feeling awesome, but sources confirm you returned with the energy of a wounded dog and stormed off to your room before anyone else could say something mean.
After relentless bullying, you are estimated to give up on dressing cool in about two days, simply for the sake of your sanity. By the end of the trip, your mom will somehow convince you to give Brandy Melville a second chance. Godspeed, soldier!
