A report emerging from the University of Calgary confirms that making fun of your millennial sibling is all fun and games until you need help writing an email, at which point you will pay for your jokes dearly.
“I’d say I tease my 30-year-old sister for the way she speaks constantly,” said 23-year-old Brooklyn resident Gia Baswani. “She will not stop saying things like ‘heckin’ and ‘ermagerd’ no matter how many times I tell her those phrases are over. And yet, the second I have to send an email to my boss asking for something, our group chat becomes a sacred workshop space.”
According to the national census, a whopping 80% of those born after 1997 have teased a millennial sibling for being out of touch, but an even more staggering 90% have returned to that same sibling, tail metaphorically between their legs, to ask for help drafting an email.
“If millennial siblings were ever to go on strike from email-writing, the consequences for our global economy would be perilous,” said lead researcher Frankie Diaz. “Millennials are statistically really bad at making memes but amazing at striking a balance between being apologetic and standing your ground in emails.”
Without the help of their older siblings, the report confirms Gen Z-ers would be 150% more likely to send an email that could get them fired for “overfamiliarity.” Examples include ending a request with “lemme know mama” or addressing a superior as “king.”
Additionally, they were 300% more likely to send an email that included no capital letters at all.
Thus, ragging on your sibling for sharing Instagram reels that are just repurposed TikToks from months, if not years, ago is awesome, but it doesn’t come without danger. According to newly minted research, this will make your millennial sibling less likely to help you write an email in a professional yet cordial tone.
“I once drafted an email to my professor where I signed off, ‘ty xoxo,’” Gia continued. “Without the help of my perfect, beautiful, millennial sister, I would not have known that was bad.”
Reporters confirm that is bad.
“In addition to drafting emails, millennial siblings have a dominant role in almost all logistical matters,” Frankie continued. “This includes getting birthday cards for your parents, reminding you to buy plane tickets before they get really expensive, and letting you keep some stuff at their apartment for a bit.”
