Brunch Only Fun While Sharon In Bathroom

In an unusual twist that had diners smiling, a recent brunch was dramatically improved every time Sharon was in the bathroom.


“We realized the conversation would get better and then get worse, and no one knew why,” says brunch group member Dalia von Euler. “Then we realized it was directly related to Sharon’s getting up to pee.”


When Sharon Martin rose from her seat at The Petunia Café last Sunday afternoon, the other women at her table remembered feeling a “great weight lifted.” By the time Martin reached the bathroom, the table was reportedly “like, 4,000 times more fun.”


“Sharon really means well, she does,” says Cassandra St. Clair, a friend of everyone else at brunch. “But she once spent 15 minutes telling the waiter how she wanted her tuna prepared. What kind of monster orders a tuna sandwich at brunch?”


After a glass of water, a coffee, and three rounds of mimosas, Sharon finally went to the bathroom. “Without Sharon there, we were free to laugh about all of our favorite topics,” says von Euler, “like how Sharon’s the fucking worst.”



“Last week, Sharon ordered four sides of toast instead of her meal. And not even avocado toast. Plain toast,” explains Anastasia Montgomery. “Yet, when she ate the toast, she kept making slurping sounds. How did she find a way to make that awful for us too?”


“And she always says that she knows her dog loves and respects her like a mommy,” said Julianne Horowitz. “She made us listen to an 11-minute recording of her dog barking because she said it sounded like it was saying, ‘Mama Sharon.’”


“I might be projecting some of my personal feelings, but I swear that dog said, “Murder Sharon,’” states Montgomery.


At the end of the brunch, Sharon offered to cover the entire tip. The party obliged, figuring it’s the least she could do.


“Sharon sucks,” adds St. Clair.