BREAKING: He’s Not Negging You, He Has Holes in His Brain From Ketamine

A breakthrough study from MIT released its findings that Brian, the guy you’ve been seeing the past month, isn’t the low-grade asshole your friends keep telling you he is. In fact, every time you thought he was potentially negging you was due to the fact that he has literal holes in his brain from snorting ketamine.


“What a relief,” you told reporters when the study results broke. “All my friends kept telling me to stop seeing him because he was always saying stuff like, ‘That’s so brave of you to go outside without make-up,’ and ‘I’m usually not into girls like you,’ but now that I know he just can’t help saying these things because of the physical holes in his brain, I’m glad I stuck it out.”


Your friends, meanwhile, remain less than enthused about the report.


“Once during lunch, he told her three different times how his ex understood him more than she ever would, and she cried for like three hours after,” your friend Amy said. “Sure, it turns out he wasn’t just saying that to neg her, but I don’t know if that’s still the best person to have around?”


However despite these concerns, sources report that you remain undeterred.


“I really was questioning our relationship because he was such an asshole sometimes,” you said. “But now that I know he’s just an asshole because of his semi-frequent use of ketamine, I can work with that!”



After the results of the study, you were seen immediately making plans to get drinks with Brian, with a renewed interest in the relationship. Despite Brian responding with, ‘Haha, for sure but no margaritas because you get annoying on tequila,’ you remain optimistic.


“All couples have their challenges,” you said. “Ours is just that his brain has massive gaps because he loves chasing that K-hole, but no one is perfect!”