How to Hide Your Virginity Backstage at a One Direction Concert

Scoring backstage passes to a One Direction concert is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Don’t ruin your fun with the dreamy young Brits by letting them discover that you’re still a virgin! Whether you’re 13 or 35, follow these easy tips to ensure the boys think the story of your life is filled with sexy exploits.


Use Anatomical Words in Conversation

Show your sexual maturity by using scientific vocabulary when you’re cruising for a photo. “Can I get my picture with you, Harry? My labia love you!”


Pretend You’re Pregnant

Nothing says, “I’ve been to Fuck Town” like a big, fat pregnant belly. Stuff that sweater with an instant bump and you’ll become an instant sex-pert.  Louis will go crazy over how fertile you look!



Take Your Retainer Out

Orthodontic accessories are a dead giveaway that you’ve never had a penis in your mouth.  Leave the retainer at home and show Liam that those newly straight chompers are TOTALLY blowjob-ready.


Rub Your Vagina…A Lot

Want everyone to think you spent your weekend boning? Give yourself a public pubic pat down and everyone’s favorite British heartthrobs will assume you’re sore or itchy from all the recent penetration you’ve experienced.


Carry Around a Blood-Soaked Sheet

Sure, it’s 2014, but this old trick from 1714 still works! Niall will assume your hymen was decimated last night when he examines the evidence. Use pig’s blood for maximum effect.

Keep these sexy tricks in your back pocket and the 1D guys will be inviting themselves to your backstage sometime soon!