Chelsea Manning Sentenced to 35 Years of Normal Female Media Scrutiny

Last Wednesday in Ft. Meade, Private Chelsea Manning (formerly Pfc. Bradley Manning) was found guilty of espionage and was sentenced to 35 years of the type of media scrutiny that only women receive.
Judge Denise Lind said that Manning’s discharge is “a valid punishment, considering how old, ugly, and desperate Manning seemed lately.” Manning was also demoted from Private First Class to Private, which is fair because who knows how she got to be Private First Class anyway. (Editors note: Probably by sleeping her way up the ladder.)
Courtroom sources claim Manning seemed calm during the verdict. They then called back to clarify that Chelsea Manning seemed cold when receiving her sentence. Numerous pundits who had initially agreed with Manning’s actions now feel that the security breach was “just a shallow grab for attention.”

Manning will be allowed outside two hours a day to be asked questions about who she is dating. Should she fail to wear enough make-up, rumors of drug addiction will be added to her sentence. Should she wear too much make-up, rumors of an eating disorder will be added. She will be eligible for parole in 7 years, and if it is granted, she will have to check in with a tabloid once a week to be body-shamed.
There has been a lot of controversy over what words to use when addressing Manning, and the judge has stipulated that she be referred to as “that bitch.”  Additionally, media outlets have been instructed to retract from their articles the phrase “leaked documents” and replace it with “backstabbed America.”
On the mercy of the judge, Manning was spared the harshest sentence that our military justice system gives: “post-baby body” criticism.