In an annoying turn of events, your boyfriend Scott Robinson is making every excuse to avoid meeting your parents, and also making every excuse to avoid wearing a condom during sex.
“I just don’t know if we’re there yet, we haven’t been together that long,” said Robinson when asked to join a Zoom chat with your warm, friendly parents on Saturday.
That same night, he declared, “we’ve been together for a really long time,” when asking to go latex-free in bed mere hours later.
Your parents have simply asked to say hi to the guy you’re spending so much time with, a perfectly reasonable request with almost no possible downside. The pull-out method, on the other hand, is only 80% effective if Scott forgets about pre-cum which, honestly, he probably will.
“What if something goes poorly?” He worried about meeting your parents and not about the other thing. “What if I do the wrong thing? What if I mess up?” He continued, again about a quick hello to the people who raised you, and not about relying solely on luck and his own questionable timing in the bedroom.
Robinson is a part-time copy editor who somehow missed the fact that his tattoo artist thought “resilience” was spelled with an “a.” He has a credit score of fifteen and routinely loses video games because of his “not-great reflexes.”
“I know my body, I know our rhythm, it’s not going to be a problem,” he claimed, while looking up “how does vaping affect COVID” online.
“Condoms have just never been my thing, and neither has meeting parents, and these are unalterable personality traits you must live with and compromise on.”
Robinson is also opposed to couples pictures on your Instagram grid, gifts over fifty dollars, holding hands in public, and wearing a seatbelt in taxis.
When reached for comment, your best friend Angela advised, “Maybe swap one for the other? Like, if he’s nice to your family he can hit it raw a couple times?”
After some consideration, you are still thinking about it.
Trying a new tactic, Robinson has recently been saying that “skin-to-skin contact” will “bring you two closer together” and “make sex a more meaningful experience.”
At press time, he refused to learn your sister’s name.
