Summer’s almost over, and you still haven’t had your hot summer fling. Don’t despair! It’s not your fault all the guys in your town go gaga over tight Pilates girls with professionally highlighted hair over your occasional-yoga bod and at-home dye job. Lucky for you, you’re going solo on a budget Caribbean cruise, which guarantees you’ll be the hottest girl in the room at all times! Here are some sexy ankle bracelets that will keep your cabin a-rockin’ and all those crew boys a-knockin’!
The Heart of the Ocean (Herberger’s, $90)
Audrey Hepburn. Elizabeth Taylor. Grace Kelly. These women were the epitome of class. Good thing they’re not on this cruise ship! Show that cute teenage boy on his lame family vacation that you can be a Jackie on the streets, but a Marilyn on the seas with this elegant piece of leg jewelry. Wear this pearl-covered anklet to the breakfast buffet and you’ll feel like you’re having breakfast at Tiffany’s. You definitely won’t be thinking about Tiffany, the pro-surfer-turned-model your ex is currently dating!
The Nautical Goddess (Etsy, $45)
Straight off the bat, you gotta make it clear to everyone on the ship that you are well under 65. You’re not ambling around the casino deck like everyone else—you’ve got your sea legs and you’re ready to spread them. This ankle bracelet is personalized with your initial and birthstone to help your potential mate remember who you are and when you were born (definitely post-Sexual Revolution!). It also features a starfish charm that will make you stand out from the other basic girls who went on a cruise by themselves. You are the queen of the seas! No one here knows how often you’re told that you “look tired”.
The Maritime Woman of Mystery (Forever 21, $11.90)
The boys back home don’t know how to have a good time like you do. They don’t appreciate a girl who can dance all night at the cruise ship discotheque and still be up in time for a snorkeling excursion the next morning. You’re adventurous and bold, just like this black and gold ankle bracelet. The etched charms will jingle in the sea breeze, breaking all the pacemaker-assisted hearts on deck! Soak up this moment, cause in a few days you’ll be back to running out of Tinder matches after four swipes.
The Double Decker (Etsy, $47)
Who said you could only have one summer romance? On this ship, a gal like you oughta have two suitors trying to win your affections. Decorate that sexy foot of yours with this set of two gold anklets, and you’ll be sure to make two strapping crew members get into a fistfight over who gets to bring you Dramamine. They won’t even know that back home, everyone knows you as “that girl who won the hotdog eating contest.”
The Lindsay (JensonUSA, $143)
There’s nothing hotter (on this boat, at least) than a badass cruise ship musician. Stand out in the crowd of his adoring fans by wearing this high-fashion ankle monitor. He’ll see you’re the baddest bitch in the Jamaican Jerk Bistro and before you know it, he’ll be giving you a sensual lesson in playing the steel drums. This is your glass-slipper moment! Soon you’ll turn back into a pumpkin—AKA, being called “ma’am” by a male intern.
You may be the Michelle back home, but with these boner-inducing anklets, you’re gonna be the Beyoncé of this cruise. We hope that ship has plenty of life vests because tropical storm YOU is coming and she’s takin’ down all of the seamen into her wet abyss!