America’s Bad Taste in Men Stems From Founding-Daddy Issues

The results of this presidential election have baffled many. How did this happen? Why didn’t we see it coming? How did America choose this man who doesn’t deserve her when you told her over and over again he was bad news? The answer lies in one major issue that hasn’t been brought up in therapy: America’s Founding Daddy issues.


They’re Not Even America’s Real Fathers

We all know the Founding Daddies aren’t even America’s real fathers. She had plenty of men pass through that were super nice, but the Founding fathers just showed up one day out of nowhere. Since then, they took over and made all these rules that they said were to protect her, but they were still being completely self-serving. Now, of course, America always picks guys that are just like her Founding fathers.


They Were Pretty Shitty Dads

Listen, the Founding Daddies put a roof over America’s head and got some money rolling in. They fought hard for her and believed in her. But they still messed up a shit ton and thought they could make up for it hundreds of years later by giving her a musical? About themselves? Plus her Founding fathers were always drunk and most of them owned slaves. America never had a chance.


They Just Left a Note and Bailed

The Founding Daddies fought to be America’s Daddies for years. Eventually, they finished writing this really long, thoughtful note about exactly how America has to live her life. They stuck around for a while to make sure she was following the rules, then they just fucking bailed on her. All America has left of her Founding fathers is this note that she reads and rereads and tries to figure out if she should follow like every word of it or just some of it. Then she gets mad at herself if she doesn’t follow it a certain way. No wonder girl is all messed up.



She’s Super Into Bad Boys

Of course she’s gonna have bad taste when her fundamental examples of men were bratty dudes running away from their parents screaming, “I’M GONNA START MY OWN COUNTRY AND I DON’T EVEN NEED YOU, MOTHER ENGLAND!” And boy has she picked some fucking losers over the years. Remember when she was with the first Bush, and everyone was like girl what are you doing? Then she almost kicked out the next guy for letting some chick suck his dick IN HER HOUSE. But then she started seeing Bush’s younger idiotic son and you were like okay girl, no you need to get under control. But then you thought back to Lincoln, and remember that she can do better, she just chooses not to most of the time. Or sometimes she does better and chooses like JFK, because he was super hot, but then he died right in front of her eyes, so that wasn’t great for her trauma-wise. By the end, America got so rebellious she decided to try ONE black guy, and she loved him but she knew her Founding Daddies would have haaaaaaaaaaaaaated him, so she felt guilty and reverted back to someone who is like the worst parts of all the Founding Daddies combined. She didn’t even try women for a second, even though part of her wants to so bad. Now she thinks the Founding Daddies will be proud of her, but they wouldn’t be because this is specifically the opposite of what they wanted for her and that’s why they wrote the note they left her in the first place!


Now Look at Her.

America hasn’t heard from her Founding Daddies in like a couple centuries and she’s a damn mess, going all over the place with this guy she knows is gonna treat her like shit because he already told her how he treated everyone else. Now, it’s 240 years later and all she’s ever gotten from her Daddies is that one really great musical. But what, is one good Lin-Manuel Miranda supposed to make up for all that lost time?


So next time you see America, don’t get mad at her for getting with this abusive dude. She’s had very bad examples of men set for her and sometimes it’s hard to break that pattern, especially when everyone in the entire world tells her it’s a bad idea.