All The Good Ones Are Taken or I Just Accidentally Texted Them Audio of Me Pooping

When I’m reflecting on my dating life, it often feels pretty hopeless. At my age, all the decent guys seem to be taken—or I suddenly hit the microphone button on my iPhone while sitting on the toilet and inadvertently send them a recording of myself taking a big juicy dump.


This inevitably puts a damper on any budding romance I might have.


My friends will try to be encouraging, telling me there are plenty of guys out there. But last I checked that cute guy from work has a girlfriend, and the guy I met at a work retreat stopped texting me after I accidentally sent him the entire audio of a Chipotle-induced bathroom session.


Good men get snatched up like hotcakes, and Apple should really reconsider the function of that audio text feature. I get that you might wanna talk out loud to someone, but it’s so easy to accidentally swipe up and hit send, especially when you’re sitting on the toilet trying to carefully consider the wording of a text to your crush.


This can’t only be me. Can it? Cause every time I meet a really nice guy and seem to hit it off with him, he’ll eventually bring up his beautiful wife or girlfriend. In the rare instances where he isn’t taken, he just up and receives a three-minute recording of me vocally struggling with a difficult shit—totally by accident!


This one guy actually thought it was pretty funny, but I couldn’t look him in the eye afterwards. Ugh, dating is hard!


I just need to accept that I may never find love, since every great guy I encounter blindsides me with some mention of his unavailability, or stares quizzically at his phone as he hears the deeply personal soundtrack of my butt making poop.



People will say to me, “Maybe you should try Tinder” or “Maybe you shouldn’t bring your phone into the bathroom with you all the time.” To that I say, “Ugh!” Those people clearly forget what it’s like to be single. I’m just supposed to wade through a bunch of douchebags who send me dick pics and sit on the toilet with nothing to do? Thanks, but no thanks.


For now, I’m trying to stay positive and keep my head up and envision a world where not every guy is taken. I’m trying not to hold and swipe that audio text button. I really am.