In a disturbing and frankly disgusting story out of a local Gymboree in Madison, WI, adult woman and paying customer Francesca Leeke has been deemed “too big to safely enter the ball pit.”
Ageism, you’ve gone too far this time!
“Look, I don’t know what kind of fucked up politics are at play here,” Francesca told reporters gathered at the scene. “But this is my local ball pit, my local haunt, so to speak. Where else am I going to find joy like this? You think any other ball pit has this range of colors?” Before reporters could respond, Francesca said, “Didn’t think so!”
Francesca fears this will be the first in a long line of activities that will be unjustly closed to her because she is “too old”: “What’s next? The bouncy castle at birthday parties? The McDonalds play pen? Is there any corner of this godforsaken country untouched by ugly, ugly ageism?”
Reporters confirm Francesca has also been banned from a Chipotle, but that was unrelated.
“Normally, it’d be no problemo,” said Brian Jules, a local teen working at the ball pit who also seemed extremely high. “There are just some kids in there right now and she’d probably squish them. Not her fault, but she is 5’ 9’’ and 34 years old, which I only know because when I told her she couldn’t go in, she screamed, ‘Is this because I’m 5’ 9’’ and 34 years old?’”
Francesca quickly appealed to AARP for legal support, but they didn’t respond because they honestly have a lot of real things going on right now.
“So, what’s next? Am I ‘too old’ to eat dinner at my own goddamn dinner table?” Francesca asked, pointing to a plastic Playmobil table typically reserved for kids at a barbecue. “Oh, am I ‘too big’ for my own goddamn bed?” she continued, gesturing to one of those racecar beds that is also intended for children ages four to 10.
Relevant authorities say she technically can’t be banned from using these items, but it does still feel weird.
“I’ve been a financial benefactor of this ball pit for 20 years,” Francesca continued. “And you can bet your ass I will be ceasing my monthly donations now.”
Sources confirm the Gymboree has never seen these monthly donations, as Brian has been pocketing them.
At press time, Brian said Francesca could go in the ball pit now that all the kids are gone, but she was so distressed by the experience that she instead retired to an early naptime.