You crazy kids and your fad diets! Once upon a time your mom and I would eat these crazy diet pills – Carol, what were they called again? We hear you’ve got a brand new, very important diet that we want to make sure we respect, even on a feast holiday. We’re prepared this time, even if you do change your ascetic diet the day before like you did last year. Here are some simple switches we’ve made to the classic green bean casserole for our little String Bean!
So You’re A Vegetarian
Good news, Girlie Girl: the dish is already vegetarian! I’ll make sure to excitedly announce this fact to the table behind your back, while frantically giving the thumbs-up to my brother-in-law. I can even set it down right on your plate while giving you a big-ole wink for extra holiday points!
You’re Vegan Now?
This one’s a little trickier. We can sub out the cream of mushroom soup for…hmmm…oh a little butter with some sauteed – oh, no butter is dairy, heh heh…hmm… how about just a touch of mayo and a little – ah… well… hmm… Well, here’s what we’ll do: maybe just mix some canned green beans with the French-fried onions in your favorite separate bowl!
Gluten-free
The first step in this easy switch is to open up Yahoo search and type “Siri, what’s gluten?” Hm. Well there isn’t any bread in this dish, Sweet Bean, it’s just vegetables. Really? Okay, well we’ll leave the onions out. The soup too? There’s bread in soup now?! Well I’ll be a horse’s teat. We can make our own onions, coat them in some breadcrumbs for – well, shoot. C’mon, don’t cry. Here, have some fish.
Oh, You’re Paleo.
Hey guys, you hear this? Charlotte’s a caveman now! I saw this diet on an episode of ‘The Doctors’ once – so we already picked up a pre-made version from the gym down the street. It was served to us by a sweet ex-Navy SEAL named – what was it – John? Jason? He was cute! You should really go for it! We’ll garnish with me and your mom’s “wine giggles.” For Pete’s sake – what, you’re so serious now!
Raw Food? Are you Serious?
What, like you don’t cook anything? What are you, a rabbit? Heh heh. Well, no sweat: we got you some fresh green beans from the farmer’s market. Can you imagine me and Uncle Rick at the farmer’s market? He’s walkin’ around going, “Hey Sheila, look at me, I’m a farmer!” Oh it was a riot. Anyway I just microwaved them for ten minutes – is that okay? Welp, she left again. You go get her this time, Rick.
Freegan.
No.
What?
You’re joking, right?
Okay fine, go dig through the McCarthy’ garbage can. Suit yourself. Here, I’ll give you a plate. But for Christ’s sake, if you get sick, use the downstairs bathroom.
