Joanie’s Going Through Some Weird Bean Phase

According to various lunch buddies, close friends, and salad artists, Joanie is most definitely going through some kind of weird phase where she’s really into beans.


“For the past five months, all she ever brings are bean dishes,” said former roommate Christine Salazar. “For my housewarming, she was particularly proud of her modified three-bean salad that actually had five beans.”


Other parties would be graced by Joanie’s bean dip, her bean chips, and her self-proclaimed “world-famous” black bean burgers. “Beans can be any dish!” Joanie often says, to everyone’s immediate annoyance.


Joanie says she simply loves beans, and loves learning about all varieties of legumes, from the mung bean to the ulutham paruppu. She credits beans with helping her lose weight and lower her cholesterol levels.


“Beans truly are a magical fruit,” says Joanie, without a shred of irony. “The more you eat, the better you feel.”


Her live-in boyfriend is supportive, although he’s been told their all-bean diet might be behind his frequent migraines and his recent jaundiced, sunken appearance.



Friends are being patient too, but are torn over whether Joanie’s new love of beans represents a short-term passion project or a long-term mental disorder.


“There are only so many ways you can make mushy starch taste palatable,” explains Salazar.


Joanie said she began loving beans after seeing a Dr. Oz feature about the health benefits of beans. “How can Dr. Oz be wrong? He’s wearing doctor’s scrubs on TV!” she says.


With Easter on the horizon, friends are debating whether inviting Joanie to their gatherings is worth her inevitable bean dish contribution.


“I’m not convinced celebrating the resurrection of Christ is worth giving all of my guests deathfarts,” Salazar says.


Joanie is excited for the holiday. “Did you know you can actually replace jelly beans with regular beans in Easter eggs?”