It’s winter, and you know what that means: You’re lonely as fuck and cold as shit. Here are the nine best gloves to wear while rubbing one out when your asshole landlord refuses to fix the heat and your space heater is still three to five Super Saver Shipping days away.
1. Kitty Cat Handwarmers (Rita Bean, $24)
These feline-festooned hand warmers are an adorable reminder that the current love of your life shits in a box and sleeps 20 hours a day. Your little fur-child ALSO thinks that your vigorously moving hand under the duvet is something that needs to perish by tooth and claw right this fucking second.
2. FLH USA Flag Knit Fingerless Mittens (Amazon, $12.95)
These colors may not run, but your nose sure does when cough-sobbing and masturbating to Love Actually for the fourth time this week. It may be cold but at least you have that bulk bag of hamburger pizza rolls to comfort you!
3. Lace Rhinestone Fingerless Gloves (Amazon, $6.99)
Wearing these throwback bridal accessories feels like you’ve just been widowed by a devastating freak accident on your wedding night. It’s as though you watched your soulmate die while screaming “I LOVE YOU AND I’LL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART; SAVE YOURSELLLLLLFgurglegurgle!” and now you’re “comforting” your forlorn fanny with thoughts of your lava-hot lost love. Even if this didn’t happen, it’s still kind of fun to pretend, right? In cold weather like this?
4. LOCOMO Fingerless Faux Hair Gloves (Amazon, $6.95)
Sometimes you just want to close your eyes and retreat to a weird and wonderful fantasy land where it’s 69 degrees at night and you’re getting fingered by Big Foot in a hammock while drinking a piña colada. Trust, these gloves do the trick! Before you start, sit on your hands until they fall asleep to make your adventure that much more realistic. Rawr!
5. AnVei-Nao Knitted Long Fingerless Gloves (Amazon, $7.99)
Remember that one time you dreamt that your yoga instructor was going down on you while wearing one of those French maid outfits that you normally think are totally cheesy and dumb? And now things are really weird because she’s always touching your lower back while you’re in frog pose and whispering to open your hips? Look, we’ve all been there. Simply slip into these and relive that night again to keep things extra awkward in your next Bikram class.
6. Elacucos Crochet Knit Lace Button Fingerless Gloves (Amazon, $9.99)
Nothing like twirling the pearl with grandma’s sugar bowl cover to reanimate those fears that you’ll probably die cold, old, and alone in this very apartment, surrounded by empty pizza boxes, Häagen-Dazs tubs, and exactly 734 Tupperware containers with missing lids.
7. Minion Gloves (Hot Topic, $9.50)
Minions are fiercely loyal, spontaneous, and have sexy exotic accents. Ugh, why can’t you just date a minion? Once you get your hands in these, you’ll be able to experience the next best thing to a warm environment and minion love. Hayyyyyy!
8. Simplicity Double Colored Fingerless Gloves (Amazon, $6.99)
Get cozy in these terrifically-tasseled claw covers. While you jingle your bell you can bask in the sole silver lining of this nightmare, which is having one less thoughtful gift to buy this December.
9. Everlast Pro-Style Training Boxing Gloves (Sports Authority, $44.99)
Why should rappers be the only ones beating the pussy up? You do you, girl! Slip on these obviously-made-for-ladies trainers and passionately pummel your poon until it cries uncle. You can even use them to muffle the sounds you make frigidly crying yourself to sleep.
There you have it! No matter why you broke up with the biggest mistake of your life, one of these is bound to be a perfect fit. Now it’s time to open another box of tissues, bundle up, and let your fingers do the fucking.
