Growing out your hair into a mermaid-like mane is probably the greatest thing you’ve ever achieved. But now that summer’s over, one horrible question hangs in the air: Should you cut it? This is a big, big choice and should be deliberated for months on end, amongst friends and in several online forums. After you’ve made the hell-bent decision of chopping off your mermaid hair, here are some other topics you can easily segue to when you’re at a loss for locks to discuss.
- Global Warming
Your hair isn’t the only thing making a dramatic change—so is the Earth’s climate! As soon as you’ve cut those luscious locks, you can adapt to your new, caring, short-hair persona by stating the fact that there is more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere today than at any point in the last 800,000 years. You’ll just have to get used to this new kind of attention, and less of it.
- The Death Penalty
The second you decide to FINALLY cut that gorgeous mane, you can focus on other dramatic cuts, like the state cutting people’s lives short! Nope, no need to relate this back to your hair. That topic is gone now.
- The Syrian Crisis
Millions of Syrian refugees need a home, and there are no easy solutions! You may be tempted to compare your internal debate about your wavy, flowing locks to the debate on how best to help these Syrian refugees, but don’t do it. Sure, when you dropped the bob idea in favor of a cute pixie cut, it felt like a life lost—almost like those of the 220,000 civilians who have so far have been killed. But please, let’s drop the hair thing now, okay?
- Fidel Castro
Literally right after you’ve made the huge decision to cut off your amazing, long, gorgeous mermaid hair, you can finally find out who Fidel Castro is and bring him up in conversations that aren’t about your hair.
Salmonellosis making its way through your rectum is no joke. This is a sensational thing to talk about when the subject of your hair has run dry.
- The Chicago Tylenol Murders
The fact that your hair is no longer Rapunzel length is a crime! And so were the Chicago Tylenol murders of the early 80s. Ease the transition from your mermaid hair to the 1982 case of criminal drug tampering by bringing the passion you had deciding whether or not to shorten your hair to this other topic.
- Amelia Earhart
Stop thinking about your missing hair and start asking, “Where is that girl pilot?”
- How 9/11 was an Inside Job
Just talk about anything. Anything but that haircut, okay? It doesn’t even have to be something you believe. Just quit it with the hair thing, okay?
Hopefully these topics will help you transition smoothly from your mermaid hair debacle to talking about new and exciting topics. Good luck!