Contemporary thought would have you believe biking to work will whip you into shape. And sure, it’s possible something so simple will get you the body you’ve always wanted. However, recent studies show that biking to work may actually deter you from ever arriving at work, putting your career in jeopardy. While biking to work may sound riveting, make sure you consider these extreme—and very, VERY common—hazards before buckling your helmet. Biking to work may just cost you your job.
1. You’ll look like you walked off the set of Dawn of the Dead.
The stained button-down shit, the tattered slacks, the unnaturally colored face—is that a zombie, or is it you after biking just four miles? Either way, you won’t want to walk into that office building looking like you’re rocking your burial attire in search of human brains. You’ll consider showering at the gym, then just take an Uber home.
2. The bike seat will render your ass incapable of sitting through your morning meetings.
Did we really need to spell this out for you? Something like 90% of people who bike to work spend half the day at their local ass doctor. You won’t be able to feel your vagina, either. You know how those seats feel. And we know how many clients you schedule in the mornings! Staying posted up at Dr. Butt’s isn’t a wise career move for you.
3. You’ll vomit as soon as you break a sweat.
More than likely, once you surpass 100 beats per minute, you’ll barf up everything you’ve ever eaten. You’ll spend a few hours heaving into a trashcan in the parking garage—very unprofessional! Your boss will wonder, “Where is she? Oh, I know, she said she was biking to work. She’s probably vomiting up everything she’s ever eaten in the parking garage.” Embarrassingly predictable, and not a great look for someone as career-driven as yourself. But hey, at least you’ll be a “bike person”! Cool!
4. You might pass a street fair.
Endless distractions will present themselves on your bike to work! Something like, say, an adorable street fair with cute jewelry and little rides and cotton candy will probably be somewhere on your route and you’re going to have to stop and look at everything then spend money and end up not even going to work. It’s best not to bike to work, unless you choose funky, feathered earrings and deep-fried snacks over steady employment. Which honestly, if you do, live your life, carny girl!
5. You’ll look so goddamn sporty, someone will ask you to be a bike model.
Let’s get one thing straight: Biking to work will make you look sporty as fuck. You’re going to look so damn good in the first block of your bike ride, someone from Nike or something is bound to flag you down and make you model for them. There goes your old job!
6. Some dreamy bike messenger will whisk you away and make you his bicycle bride.
We all know the old story: A naturally gorgeous young woman (looking so good on a bike) stops at a light, right next to a hunky bike messenger. Chrome bag strapped to his back, he catches her eye. The rest is history. You bike upstate and get exchange vows that day. You sell your bikes and buy a tandem bicycle, like a fairy tales. You don’t even tell anyone at work you’ve fallen in love with this bike messenger; you just stop showing up. Not a very responsible move for your career, is it?
7. You’ll wake up, remember you own a bike, then promptly smash your alarm clock to smithereens.
This is very common for people who bike to work. Many people who own bikes forget they own bikes while they’re sleeping (they do not dream about their bikes). Upon daybreak, they awake to face a harsh reality: They have to endure 45 minutes of physical exertion before sitting at a desk for eight hours. This leads to violent outbursts, which leads to broken alarm clocks, which leads to sleeping through work again. Rest assured: You will not be at work today!
Before hopping on the ol’ two-wheel, consider the implications it has on your career. Be safe out there!
