It’s not the worst or most humiliating ordeal of the season, but it’s certainly the ickiest. If you’re heading home to be with your family for the holidays and don’t feel like being photographed naked, you’re forced to choose the dreaded airport TSA pat-down. But don’t look too sad! There’s a way to turn this government-mandated sexual assault into a holiday miraclegasm! This won’t be easy, considering it’s mostly average people who work airport security. But you can make this infringement upon your Fourth Amendment rights a little spicier by imagining it’s a hot celebrity who’s violating your bodily integrity. If you’re heading out of town, close your eyes and think of these hotties!
1. Lenny Kravitz
Focus on the metal detecting wand, moving up and down, brushing your clothes in all the right places. Give in to the thrilling sense of anticipation: Will the wand stay silent, or will it raawwwwk? And which celebrity sexpot is most likely to set it off? Lenny Kravitz and his magical wang, that’s who. His penile piercing has brought sexual ecstasy to literally thousands of ladies. Add the earrings, nose rings, and nipple rings, and you’ve got a fantasy lover hot enough to set off you and the metal detector. Think about counting his body art on his private jet to keep you horned-up all the way through security.
2. Matthew McConaughey
From Magic Mike to Interstellar to whatever he won that Oscar for (who remembers?), Matthew McConaughey is dreamy as hell while still seeming like a guy you’d regret sleeping with. Sure, he looks like an unlicensed massage therapist and talks like a dehydrated Southern frat guy, but that hair! As you stand in the airport scanner, legs spread, arms up, imagine he’s behind you, frisking you like the weirdo cop he played in True Detective. Alright, alright, alriiiight!
3. Tom Brady
As you’re essentially molested by Larry the disgraced gym teacher and his greasy palms, think instead about a man with great hands. And who’s got the most powerful, yet tender hands imaginable? Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, of course. Gisele Bündchen let him impregnate her twice, so he must have the magic touch.
4. Barack Obama
All of these ridiculous Homeland Security theatrics are ultimately President Obama’s responsibility. But you know what? All he wants is to keep you safe. Safe in those powerful, blazer-covered arms. So imagine him nuzzling the nape of your vulnerable neck. Fumbling with the belt you forgot to leave in your carry-on. Forcing you to throw away your four-ounce bottle of benzoyl peroxide. Hail to the chief, indeed!
5. Kate Upton
Okay, she’s not a guy, but she is hot, and this fantasy involves an ample bosom. There’s a decent chance your pat-down will be administered by a no-nonsense woman with a home perm and cat hair on her pants. She’ll remind you of your Great Aunt Trudy, but banish that from your mind. As the TSA worker brushes her fingers along your underwire, her straining breasts pressed against yours, imagine they’re Kate’s fingers and that amazing rack. If you’re into girls, bam—you’re there! If not, c’mon—you know you’d make an exception if Kate Upton started touching your inseam.
6. Superman
Who says your airport fantasies have to involve real people? Transport yourself to Metropolis, straight into the arms of the Superman of your choice. As you’re bombarded with X-rays (AKA radiation, slicing its way through your breast tissue, but never mind), picture Superman doing it to see your naked bod in a moment of ethical weakness. If 1980s Christopher Reeve does it for you, go there! After all, he defended truth, justice, and the American way, just like the TSA! Our go-to hottie is Henry Cavill. That chiseled jawline? That British accent? Yowza! You might just get pulled aside for suspicious breathing!
7. Random Stranger
Look around the security line. There are approximately 7,000 people there. Odds are, at least 75% of them are horny. While a TSA drone is groping your ass and under-ass, pick a stranger in the line and make intense eye contact. Who knows, maybe your unspoken interaction will lead to some anonymous post-security shenanigans in the United lounge. Or handicap bathroom. Or maybe you’ll be on the same flight! Mile high club, anyone? Just make sure he’s not the air marshal, or your intense eye contact could get you put on a later flight!
Hopefully now you’ve got enough inspiration to make it to your gate flushed and satisfied. Just be sure NOT to think about your return flight next week, where you’ll also be forced to choose between unnecessary radiation and public groping. Happy trails!
