Just because you broke up with the partner you weren’t attracted to anymore doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the most popular sex positions of this season! Follow our handy guide and you can experience all those same sex positions ALL ON YOUR OWN!
Missionary Position
Lie on your back with a large sandbag on top of you. Stimulate your clitoris until you reach climax, then remember to write down milk on the grocery list because you’re out. The sandbag needs milk in its morning coffee and is a real dick about it if there isn’t any.
Girl On Top
Kneel on top of a body pillow while stimulating your clitoris. Eventually add 2-3 more body pillows because that body pillow really gained some weight since you guys became exclusive, didn’t it? Stretch your legs wider and don’t mention it; the pillow is overly sensitive and will pick a fight if you mention it.
69ing
Lie down on your side with a yellow summer squash in your mouth while rubbing a lukewarm jellyfish over your genitals, pubic mound, and upper thighs. The summer squash should block your breathing while the jellyfish provides moderate stimulus in and around but never on your clitoris. You’re finished when your jaw locks up and the jellyfish falls asleep.
Doggystyle
Get on all fours near the headboard of your bed while reaching back to finger yourself. As you finger yourself, start rocking back and forth with increasing intensity so that your face slams into the headboard of your bed. Don’t mention it, as you don’t want to make your finger feel bad when you’re finally getting along. By the time you finish, you should have a friction burn on your face, but your finger should feel pretty good about itself and maybe even take you out to dinner.
Reverse Cowgirl
Place a large pair of men’s shoes on the end of your bed and get on your knees facing them. Bounce up and down, stimulating yourself while thinking about the shoes. Aren’t you a little young to have spent so much time with the same pair of shoes? Where have these shoes been? Do these shoes ever wash themselves? Do you even like these shoes anymore? At some point, realize you’re not going to climax like this and just moan really loud so the shoes will let you go in the other room and watch TV.
Standing Up
Put one leg up on a chair while stimulating your genital area. Fondle your own breasts while thinking about how awkward this is, but hey, at least it’s different, right? Maybe that’ll make it exciting, although probably not.
Spooning
Lie on your side facing the wall while stimulating your clitoris. Rock slowly back and forth until you reach orgasm, then think about how alone you feel in spite of it. Cry yourself to sleep.
Enjoy these handy tips and you’ll barely notice that you’re getting off alone. It’s just like having sex with your old partner all over again, minus the cheating allegations! Enjoy!
