It’s a real drag to be a woman, even in 2016. We all know how hard it is for women in politics, Hollywood, and society at large, but one area that has not gotten the exposure it deserves: how much it fucking sucks to be a woman stuck in this goddamned well. Here are the top six reasons being a woman in this well is still a huge problem:
1. It smells down here.
Like, really bad. I totally underestimated the stink of sewage until I was trapped down here. Plus, I’ve had so much time to think about how absolutely unjust it is that women still make 79 cents to every dollar a man makes. And on top of THAT, women don’t even get paid for housework, and if they did, it would increase our nation’s GDP by—oh god, it fucking smells, dude.
2. I think I broke my ankle down on the way down.
It hurts to walk on, so I think it might be broken. It’s probably because I was wearing wedge sneakers… and you know what, that’s ANOTHER thing! Why are women expected to wear impractical shoes just to make their legs look longer and thinner? Why aren’t men expected to wear some kind of heeled—oh my god, ouch, okay, it’s definitely at least a bad sprain. Fuck.
3. I saw a rat with three ears.
THREE ears! How the hell does that happen? This is really unfair to women. Or at least to one woman (me), as far as the population of this well goes. I definitely don’t see any men down here having to deal with this.
4. I’m not getting any cell phone reception down here.
I guess I feel lucky that my phone wasn’t submerged in the water at the bottom of this well after I fell in it, but alas, I can’t get a good signal down here to call a friend for help or dial 911. And while we’re at it, how B.S. is it that women face so much harassment and sexism in Silicon Valley? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it (in between petting the three-eared rat) and something really needs to be done to raise more awareness about this issue. If only I could tweet right now…
5. I never did reach my Fitbit goal.
When I fell down here, I was at 8,775 steps. To think that if I could have just gotten 1,225 more steps before this damn Fitbit died, I could’ve CRUSHED the steps challenge I was in with my male best friend, Rob. It makes me so livid to think how I could’ve proven once and for all that women can beat men in the fitness arena if I had just out-stepped Rob. Ugh. Fucking Rob. I hate this well!
6. I think the rat with three ears is pregnant and I’d like to get out of here before I have to help birth its babies.
It might sound crazy, but I did promise Bertha (that’s what I named the three-eared rat) that if I was still here in this well when she gave birth, I would be her doula. The thing is, I’m really scared of childbirth. And ALSO! Why are women expected to just be okay with childbirth all the time, like it’s our duty? Maybe I don’t want kids! And if I did, maybe I want the man to be the primary caregiver instead, or we could raise a child communally with another couple, or maybe—oh shit, Bertha’s water just broke. Fuck my life!
There you have it: the top six reasons it’s so challenging to be a woman stuck in this godforsaken well these days. I bet if I were a man, I’d have been lifted out by now.