Marriage is all about compromise. Pretty much right after the “I do’s”, you’ll find yourself already compromising your dreams of a serene, palm-filled paradise for Greg’s constant need for fast casual chain burgers. You just agreed to spend the rest of your life undermining your needs for his, why not hit the ground running? Here are five honeymoon destinations with a Fuddruckers so Greg doesn’t ruin everything.
Table Rock Lake Resort – Branson, MO
Aptly named after its abundant flat-top rocks, Table Rock Lake is only a 15-minute drive from Greg’s childhood home. It’s not the cozy lakeside cottage you’ve fantasized, but Greg wanted to go somewhere familiar so he can still take a shit at his parents’ house (He’s not great at adapting to change). As you’ll soon learn when you take a book with you down to the lake (just try to make the most of this piss-poor excuse for a honeymoon), and remember that the lake is actually a reservoir, meaning it’s artificial and not actually beautiful. At least you don’t need reservations for the onsite Fuddruckers you’ll inevitably dine at every morning, noon, and night.
Daytona Beach Conference Center – Daytona, FL
In an attempt to mollify Greg’s Neanderthal-like culinary taste, you booked a room as close to the nearest Fuddruckers as possible. While Daytona Beach Conference Center is steps from the most pristine beaches the eastern coast of Florida has to offer, only resort guests have beach access. You’re just a conference center guest, which means you have access to the beginnings of a bitter marriage.
Harrah’s Casino – Las Vegas, NV
Complete with wall-to-wall video blackjack machines and shower curtains steeped in several decades of cigarette smoke, this homely home away from home puts the getaway in getaway. As in, “Dear lord, I need to get away from this ashtray of a hotel”. But don’t worry, once you get your fill of the nicotine-stained smiles and desperate slot pulls, you’re only steps away from—you guessed it—a Fuddruckers. Satisfied, Greg? Of course not—YOU’LL NEVER BE SATISFIED!!!! Celebrate the official end of your happiness with this Fuddruckers-adjacent honeymoon.
Krabi Phokeethra Golf and Spa – Nong Thale, Thailand
You’re 11,000 miles from home and you somehow managed to find a Fuddruckers with a swim-up fixings bar. You thought this was a selfless romantic gesture on your part. Greg hasn’t stopped bitching about the fact there’s no Spike TV in Thailand. Good God, you are married to this Fuddhead.
Merritt Trading Post – Valentine, Nebraska
You can’t trade your life at Merritt Trading Post, but for just 51 cents, you can fashion a penny into a flattened souvenir charm. During one of your meals at the Fuddruckers adjacent to your motel, Greg paused mid-bite. Though you prayed to God he was having a heart attack, your hopes were quickly dashed when, through a gaping mouthful of bacon cheeseburger he bitched, “Why did you let me put the sweet pickles on this? You know I like the other ones.” This is a man not in control of his own mouth, and you’re stuck with him—but it’s better than watching him ask for chicken fingers at a sushi restaurant.
A honeymoon is a wonderful opportunity to explore never-before-traversed terrain as a newly united couple. If, however, you’re marrying Greg, a honeymoon is just ten excruciating days of listening to him bitch about expensive novelty soda cups and time zones. Your only chance for some peace is whenever he’s shoving food in his stupid, ungrateful, mother-Fuddrucking mouth, so enjoy these sad destinations, complete with a Fuddruckers.