Popular mommy-blogger and champion of homeschooling Rhona Barrows is set to release her first book, “Eleventy-Six Tips for Effective Homeschooling” next month. Lucky for you, we’ve got the inside scoop with never-before-seen excerpts from this brand-new go-to for all-things homeschool. Let’s get inspired!
Tip One: Follow Your Instinctivity
You can’t trust the schools to provide the quality education your child needs, but don’t let your lack of training hold you back from engendering some primo teachology. You don’t need a fancy piece of paper for learning subjects like socialist studies, astrology, and Reaganomics. The same goes for any medical care your children might need during the homeschool day. You’re no doctor, but you do know that Band-Aids cause cancer. Try a few drops of tea tree oil and a prayer instead. Just because you know nothing about something shouldn’t get in the way of you doing it. Trust your infruition!
Tip Fourn: Make Math Cool
Math isn’t the easiest subject to sell to kids—gee, if it weren’t for that laminated tip calculator I keep in my fanny pack, I’d never give the gals at Perkins the right number of nickels! But the objectivity here is that math doesn’t always have to be done right to make it count (I know, it’s irony!). Say Peigh-tyn is struggling with fractions. I ask her what answer Big God has put in her heart, and it doesn’t matter if her answer is the same as is on my Casio calculator—God’s denumberator is the most important of all. All hail Big God.
Tip Fiveteen: Have a Routine
Making sure that you have a set schedule will totally simplitize your morning. I like to have my kids get ready and stand outside on the curb with their school things, then I back up the old Odyssey, load them up, and drive right back into the garage. It’s little things like this that get them ready to focus (the periodic dunks in cold water help, too). After that we say a pledge of allegiance to Christmerica, then go straight into building tinker toys into the shapes of known heretics. Everyone fights over Mother Teresa!
Tip Foursquare: Use Jurisprudence at the Playground
Some afternoons everyone will need a break—but be careful before you do something dangerous, like take your kids to the local park. It is a proven fact that over 100% of child molesters practice the careful art of outdoor camofloss. I know that a sharp stick rammed into every shrub always eases my mind before I let Peightyn and Jazekiah watch the other children use the monkey bars, or “evolution-believer bars” as we call them. Then we play a game of freedom fetch before heading home.
Tip Sixpence: Nutrizational Lunch
Though there is no scientitional link between what we eat and our brains, having a good meal will help your pupas grow big and strong. Eating green foods can cause sexual urges, so it is important that we turn vegetables from the holy land, like the potato. According to Ore Ida, a daily serving of tots can bring tateragious levels to the normal zone. And that’s the kind of science (the science of belief) that makes me feel good as a mom and as a devout follower of Big God.
Tip Fiventy-two: Change things up with some drills.
There are only 28 hours in a day, and Big God knows we can’t spend all of them doing flashcards and playing Truth-or-Naughty-Chair. Remember the importance of preparationality drills in your house. There are the easy ones, like fire, tornado, and the Rapture, but what about prepping for the pornography flash mobs, or Obama’s AIDS cannon? See the Appendix for quick guides to add to your bug-out room.
Tip Harper Seven: Play Bank
Council-approved board games can be a fun way to learn about money, but if you’ve started enmintenizing your own coins for use in your compound, why not bring the kids in on the fun? Metalsmithering is a great trade to learn, and will be valuable when we will have to smelt our fillings to make spears to defend ourselves against the heathen lizard gods who will burst forth from New York City during The Reckoning. Thank you Big God.
Tip Eight-Niner: Dirt Tunnels
Did you know that moles are exemplenary proof that evolution is a lie? Big God put those tunnels there to give His moles a place to learn and play, and by following His example, you can enunciate this lesson to your progentory. Dig some tunnels in your yard and let your kids root around in them. For extra pedestregogy, tell them to look for dinosaur bones. When then come back empty handed, remind them that dinosaurs are a lie promontoried by MSNBC. Big God has little teeths!
Tip Y2K: Make Time for Literature.
Of course I don’t mean that smut like those old-timey Steve Austen novels and Huckleberry Hound. Consult the denominational bookstore of your choice for appropriate literature to help distill a lifetime love of illegidibility in your children. Any book that features young people looking fearful on the cover is a sure win. Consider Loveproof: Left Behind Because of Menarche. Big God doesn’t read because he knows everything already.
Don’t worry, moms, we didn’t give away all the best parts—there’s way more in Rhona’s packed-to-the-gills powerhouse of a guide. Pick up your copy on June Borteenf!